Life Changes: Part 2

I just want to preface the ending of this story with a word of caution and my own testimony. I know that the Lord points to where we need to go always. It's really up to us how we're going to make his pointing more apparent in our lives. Sometimes life gets in the way of that and it needs to be cleaned up and fixed so we can see his direction more clearly. That even means seeking medical professional help.

For me the Lord had been there all along. He always is. His atonement didn't just happen so many years ago and died when His mortal body died. No He lives and with that the atonement is a living and breathing thing; a pure love that can lead us back to our Father in Heaven. No matter what pit we are in in life- we CAN get out of it. We can be rescued. We can be helped.

I was in such a pit. I will have you know I wasn't in a pit of deep sin but rather a pit of depression. Yes it took months to finally label it and put a description on what was really going on with Kendilyn. But- just as real as the rain falling from the sky so is depression for the average person, even for me. It took a long time to discover that I had it. I didn't think I'd ever have such an illness and in fact, embarrassing enough as this is to admit, laughed at the fact that people claimed they even had such an illness. I genuinely felt as though mental illnesses were just an excuse for a bad day. Now I know. Now I've been humbled. Mental illnesses ARE real and can be life altering. Something that our finite minds can't fully comprehend but something that is definitely felt. As heard before from another with a mental illness- broken bones can be healed but a mental illness is your core, who you are.

Before I discovered I had depression, perhaps postpartum depression, I would read scriptures after talks and be praying- what was wrong with me? Why isn't the spirit as abundant in my life as it had been? What was I doing wrong? What sin have I committed that was causing this? I could not get answers but more questions after questions. My husband gave me blessings all the while our arguments would increase. What was happening to us? What was happening to our relationship with each other, our family and the Lord? I'm sad to say our arguments never really had an end they just built on top of each other. We didn't really know what the root of the argument or negativity was or where it was going. One thing was for certain- I made a covenant with my Lord and I was going to hunt it out to figure out what was happening. In the midst of studying scriptures and talks and really hunting I stumbled across a talk by Elder Holland entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". It was this talk that for a split moment I felt something? Was the problem with me even deeper then I imagined? I started to study and study his talk. He was talking to me!

Like a Broken Vessel

I had turned to my husband and exclaimed, maybe I should go talk with the bishop. That was the first step. Jeremy was extremely hesitant with it. I can't say I don't blame him. I too was once incredibly skeptical of the whole idea of mental illnesses. My claim to possibly having a mental illness was completely from left field. After all it was me we were talking about! It could never happen to me! More scriptures and prayer would be his advice towards me. Which in the past had fixed the majority of any issue. Finally after some prayer and a little bit of fasting and a lot of discussion it was time for me to set up an appointment with the bishop. With a formal setting with the bishop he sent his deepest regrets, told me I was to be released and immediately referred me to a therapist. Jeremy again received confirmation for me and this path as he began to see my progress. We were both humbled that this was a real issue.

On my first meeting with the therapist I was asked to fill out a questionnaire. The last question asked me what I liked about myself. I remember tears gushing out of my eyes as I couldn't think of one thing! It was in this moment that I finally realized I was genuinely unhappy with not only life but myself. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere, like I couldn't breath. Something was genuinely wrong and I felt as though I was in the bottom of a self dug pit. What had I done to myself and my spirit?

The truth of the matter is if you are faced with depression or any other mental illness you didn't "do it to yourself". Sure there are some things that can be applied and somethings that can help you "square your shoulders" but ultimately you didn't put it on yourself. You need to know that! I needed to know that. I didn't cause this to myself I was faced with about 5+ life alterring changes at once and unfortunately it affected who I was.

As therapy progressed and some things were applied it was suggested that I go see my family doctor to be perscribed for an anti depressant. I again felt put off a bit. I thought I was doing great without the medication and although I was perscribed refused to take it for a bit. "pills are a bad thing. They make you a bad person!" Those were the thoughts in my head and to admit I was taking them to anyone would make me less of a person. I was about to throw them away when I literally had the worst week yet. There was no hope that week and I found myself watching a little TOO much TV and not motivated to do anything. I digressed and needed help to get back on track. After a little prayer and self talking to I decided I needed to go ahead and take them. It was the best choice yet! It took a lot of humbling and a lot of faith but I am so glad I did. Results came within just a few weeks. Many weeks and a couple months later I finally felt happy. I haven't felt this "at peace" for almost a year. My husband turned to me about a month ago and said, "You're Kendilyn again!" I felt it too.

I met with my therapist for the last time this past week and as I got to her office she said, "you're glowing! You look great." Our meeting was shorter and ulitmately we both decided that I was back on track. I did not schedule a return appointment and as I left that day I never felt happier. I've reached some resolve in my life. I was back on track! I was me again.

This was a long journey and often when we're faced with a trial we receive some type of reassurance that things will be okay. My reassurance didn't come until almost 10 months later but it did come. I almost gave up hope a couple times. I wanted to crawl in a corner and give up everything in life. I felt as though someone could play "me" better! I remember feeling useless and unworthy and extremely unproductive. I was just going through day to day and there was nothing to get me to the next day. It was an awful feeling and doing any small task seemed almost impossible. What gave me hope in the end and even just to go through those awful days was that I did have a family, a family who loved me and cared about me and a family who depended on me. I had to remind myself of that often. It wasn't until the end of finding a resolve that I again felt the hope of the atonement in my life. And it was okay! I needed to understand for myself that mental illness was a real thing. This was a real thing people go through. This is something that people need to seek professional help for! God was guiding me through this healing process and although he wasn't as visible in times past looking back now I realize He had been there every step of the way. He helped soften my husbands heart about the idea of a mental illness, he gave time for me to sit down and have a legitimate conversation with my bishop. He guided me right to a therapist who was trustworthy and faith promoting. He led me to a doctor who was personal and helpful. Most importantly he had helped me feel joy again in my life and allowed my testimony to increase in charity, compassion and helped me realize the ultimate healing power comes from the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.

I feel for those who struggle with real mental illnesses. I advise you to seek help! If you are LDS go to your bishop, counsel with him and he most likely can guide you to a professional who can help you. Most importantly- get help! It's not worth feeling lost everyday. We are all loved by a Father in Heaven who cares for us and need to feel that love in our lives. Afterall "Adam fell that men migh be and men are that they might have JOY!"

Life Change: Part One

First off.  I'm not a blogger.  Sometimes I want to be and then reality sets in and I realize I have just about enough time for the essentials of life and that's about it.  But occasionally I get the prompting to write and not just in my journal but in a blog.  In my blog.

I'm not a professional writer.  That's obvious.  But I do have my own story and that's what brings me here.  I have a total of about 15 started blogs over the past year and I figured it's finally time to buckle down and press the "publish" button.  I'm not writing my story to get "attention" or "likes" but rather for someone who can relate that needs to hear some words of encouragement.  Because about a year ago I could have used those words myself.

As you can see, or maybe you haven't, I haven't written in my blog for over 4 years now.  Before that I wasn't much into it either.  I've made excuse after excuse after excuse why NOT to write.  Letting strangers in your personal life was one of those.  I warn those who've already come this far in reading- Please don't judge me.  I'm only sharing my story to help others who maybe have gone through the same experience or GOING through this experience to seek hope.

Enough jib jab, just get to the point!  So a little over a year ago I finally graduated college!  I say finally because I graduated high school in 2006.  Now you do the math.  Yes it took me a long time but I did take some personal time in there, ie."figuring myself out" and some time for the Lord, ie. a mission.  But I finally buckled down and I finally graduated.  I guess it took getting married and having a child to finally put that diploma in my hands.  I am ever so grateful for finally making it and finally getting through to the end.  (That whole "education story" is for another time!)  But as I grabbed my diploma and as the next semester started it hit me that I wouldn't be joining the thousands on campus that morning.  I would be at home.  At home with my almost terrible two year old and pregnant.  I found myself a little bit lost.  Okay let's be honest people- a LOT lost.  What was I suppose to do with my time?? And how was I suppose to be "a mother"??  I didn't go to school to get a "mother degree"!  I knew that this was going to be the goal though.  This is what my husband and I talked about was our plan.  My plan.  I wanted to be there for our children and watch them grow up.  I didn't know what that meant.  I still don't fully know what that means.

Our plan was to have Jeremy finish in the end of July, take the GRE in the summer break, work in the fall, have Jeremy work on campus in the winter while we waited to here to what school we were going to next.  I was ready for that journey.  In fact I was excited about it!  After all with my many years of school you'd think I'd want to be done with it but it was life I was comfortable with, one that I actually really enjoyed.

July came around and so did the birth of our new baby boy Timothy, Jeremy's school was done and the blessing of Timothy had just happened.  Jeremy's family was in town and that's where the conversations began.  "Why don't you work with your dad Jeremy?"  For whatever reason this question was coming up more and more!  It wasn't even from Jeremy's family -it was from the Lord.  It was from Jeremy.  So discussions were being made and plans were being put into place.  The GRE was cancelled and literally less then a month we were moving to CA to have Jeremy work with his Dad for his Uncle's company.  I was leery of the idea, however I felt enough of a push that what we were doing was okay and right.  I knew I needed faith to just accept and move forward.

That's where our story really begins.  New baby, new career, new friends, new area, new ward, new surroundings, new. new. new.  Well you get the idea.  I was not really ready for new.  I accepted this "change" but I was REALLY emotionally ready for the change.  And looking back, there was really no other way.  It's what needed to happened and how it needed to happen.

There is something you need to know about me, if you don't already.  I have had a lot of last minute life decisions after high school that have lead me to some pretty amazing circumstances including school in Hawaii, new friends/job in Utah and a mission in Oregon.  All of which followed the same pattern of the Lord just telling me to go for it and me stepping completely into the dark.  There is no exception to that same pattern as this was at this time for me and our family.  I guess I just assumed that this time would have been different, I also expected that every other time.  I've learned now not to expect certain things from the way the Lord SHOULD work with you.  He's your Father after all, not the other way around.

So here we are in CA with a lot of "new".  My little Idaho bubble was popped and suddenly I'm very much in the world.  Again, I figured the transition would be easy.  I got a calling in our ward pretty quickly, felt very welcomed by some family and new ward family.  It should be comfortable after all.  But you guessed it! It was not.  It was not an easy adjustment.  I think the hardest adjustment of it all was the fact that my husband was out working almost 60 hour weeks when I was so used to seeing
him half the day everyday.  I felt disconnected and really alone.  I think my hope was starting to drain.  My happiness was numb.  I had an infant and toddler who depended on my every move and I didn't even feel like the Lord was walking with me in my new journey.

My hope had gone numb. My testimony, my happiness and in reality "kendilyn" had gone missing.  I was lost and I didn't know how to get back.