Just Keep Going

Being a mom is THE HARDEST job in the world.  That has been said for decades among SO MANY.  I never took that statement literal until I had two toddlers of my own.  But being a mom AND dealing with daily mental illness is even harder.  

Having a mental illness, such as depression as I have, has been.... lets just say... a struggle.  One day I'm feeling great and the next it's just a tear streaming, lock myself in the closet and give me all the chocolate kind of day.  I try to be strong, especially since that's my personality type- perfectionist, organizer, but still spontaneous and wanting all to be happy kind of gal.  

I don't have it all figured out.  I don't know if I'll ever have this mental illness thing figured out.  It's as though I have this new identity incorporated in my personality and now I have to learn to work with it.  It started off as postpartum depression (I wrote about that in another blog) but my symptoms keep coming back...and forth and back again.   I have been in denial that this is something that's just going to stick with me for a while and I have to figure out how to work with it, instead of against it.  I had seen a therapist, taken medication for over a year and went off of it again.  I was prescribed again but with having baby number three on the way felt really strongly not to be in medication while pregnant.  I can't deny those promptings and impressions.  So until the baby comes and I feel to get back on medication, everyday I choose to be happy, BUT even when choosing to be happy- hauntings of depression still hang over me.  It's true what they say, depression isn't just "having a bad day"; it's so much more than that.  Anything can really trigger it and it's always on your mind.  

Then there is the religious struggle.  Is this Satan working on me?  Is this my own thoughts?  Everything I grew up with to help build my testimony is challenged when I am faced with a full blown depression episode.  Why doesn't God love me?  Why do I feel so wrong about myself even when I've read the scriptures, said my prayers and did my best to be a "good girl"?  The simple questions of my faith are challenged.  Then on top of that there's the daily struggle of just being a mom.  You know the usual questions and doubts that pop in our heads as moms.  Should my child be doing that?  How can I help them understand better?  I'm not playing with them enough; I'm letting them watch too much TV; they should be eating better... etc etc.  The mom guilt! (That has it's own blog within itself.) 

So where's the balance in it all?  How do I find some kind of solace?  How do I still be a "good mom" and a good ME?  I'm still trying to figure that out.  I also have the internal struggle of really being myself around others.  Come on, no one likes being around a complainer! But when these are the thoughts that haunt you every day and you pray that they'll just go away it's hard to have a normal meaningful conversation with others without being too much.  While still seeking that friendly advice from friends or family around you without sounding like a total hopeless case.  Don't get my wrong I do my best to serve and step out of myself but somedays I just can not.  Depression is an AWFUL illness.  I pray that no one ever has to go through, although I know thousands do.  

That's why I write.  I unload all my thoughts in words that I may not be able to express to those closest to me but hopefully someone out there may benefit from my experience and know they aren't alone.  After all I think that's the BIGGEST tool Satan can use on us is make us feel that we are alone.  This is the thought that sustains me, sometimes in my subconscious thoughts, is that I am NOT alone.  Not only do I have a loving Heavenly Father and an Elder Brother who died for me but there are people, people I may not even know, that struggle everyday with the same struggles I have.  It's nice to hear "I know how you feel" but especially with others experiences accompanying that "I know how you feel" goes a much longer way.  So if you have the same struggles just know I know exactly how you feel and I'd be happy to talk experiences.  I may not have all the answers and this may be something I have to work through for the rest of my life, but it's my trial & for whatever reason the Lord seems to give me to help me learn from.  Until I figure out the why, which may never be answered (and knowing that is hard to swallow) I just keep going because that's all He asks from us in life is to JUST KEEP GOING.  

We got rid of our TV today.

We got rid of our tv today. 

Have you ever thought about tv being an adult binky? Think about it. You're kid is screaming and driving you up the wall, it's the end of the day and all you want to do is sit and relax. You sit on the couch, flip on the tele and the next thing you know it's quiet in the house and you're all sucked into watching two hours of doc mcstuffins. You. The adult you just wasted two hours on a little girl playing doctor on her toys. Sure the kids are quiet and you get to relax so who cares if you waste a little time right? Until that little Netflix screen pops up and says... "continue watching". Aka- continue wasting your day away binge watching??? Then you realize it's been a little more then a couple hours and you still have dishes in the sink, laundry to be put away and activities for the kids that are just loading up on your Pinterest waiting for someone to actually do them. Okay so I talk in third person but this has totally been me! I am as guilty as the next sitting and watching hours of tv with my toddlers. Let's face it- any quiet time with a child is golden! But is tv really the only resort we can put ourselves through? When was the last time you just sat and read a book and your kids got caught up in their imaginations playing dolls or trucks in their room? Give it a try because it actually does happen from time to time. Maybe the tv is a result of us trying to constantly entertain our kids too. We don't have to! Let them play. Let them have their own time so you can escape...maybe to a locked bathroom... and have a little quiet time of your own. 😉

My husband and I have been mulling over this idea of getting rid of the tv ever since we got it. We've established a long time ago that we have 'addictive' behaviors. It's a real thing. Believe me. It's not bad addictions. Don't get me wrong we don't even drink or smoke! But we are ADDICTED to tv. Have you ever been addicted to something that you just needed to quit cold turkey?? That's honestly how we've been feeling. See when my husband and I first got married we were poor. Living off college funds, loans scholarships and grants. Because of our busy schedules in school and our next to nothing pocket books we decided a tv wasn't really an option. Except when we found an old VHS tv by the dump. (Actually we found two! So one had to work- right?!) We hauled that thing from the dump and decided to give it a try. It worked! With having our first child while we were both in school we were stoked to stock up on some cheap classic Disney VHS' available for a buck each at our local thrift store but when we finally moved with our now two kids, got settled in our career, one day out VHS tv just went fuzzy and we forked out the cash to buy a brand new nice big screen tv. I look back now and having that old box tv was the happiest time of our lives! Because it limited our watching and forced us to be social. 

My husband grew up with tv. I mean his dad has since bought a next to 80'' screen tv. Tv was a big deal in their house. (No pun intended. 😉) Same with me. My mom went back to work when I went to kindergarten and my grandma would watch me during the day. Every afternoon I'd have the chance to watch any Disney show I wanted or nick jr. (my parents didn't have cable.) I watched hours of it! My grandma was older and couldn't move around the best so I'm sure it was just easier for her to do that. I established a habit so young. But not pointing fingers this just seems to be the American kind of way. I mean when America first had a tv in their home they gathered around together to watch the Ed Harrison show. Am I right?! I'm sure we can't think of a childhood memory without it being revolved around the popular show at the time. (Rugrats, saved by the bell, the simpsons... etc)

But where do we cross the line? Honestly it's only been a couple days without our tv and it's caused us to do some serious reflecting. What are we going to do with our time? What about Saturday morning cartoon with the kids? Or tv to keep the kids preoccupied while I cook dinner or tv for a date night. The kids have asked me a few times now for their favorite shows. Our youngest isn't yet two and he already has a 'show'?! It's been somewhat sickening to think about life without it. We're we that addicted to it that now we don't know what to do with ourselves?? 

Here's the thing- my husband works nearly 70+ hours a week and i am a stay at home mom. I'm not beating down on any mom out there that gets the long hour thing and just needs a moment to vedge in front of the tele. That's me! And please don't let me sway you but just hear me out why we chose to ditch our tv. 

I'm sure many of you might be familiar with Chip and Joanna Gaines. They have now become small town Waco,Texas celebrities that have their own construction house flipping kind of business. They've really made it big appearing in their own show- fixer upper on HGTV. Anyway. I started reading their book called, the magnolia story. (Very inspiring! You should really get it!) They were given a challenge at the very beginning of their marriage to not have a television to spend quality time with each other. Six months later and still no tv and they didn't really miss it. So thirteen years later and four kids now and they still don't have a tv and I look at them and think - wow!! You guys have accomplished so much!! and they're happy! I mean genuinely happy because they've been able to make so many others happy with their talents! 

One day we'll return to live with God and I hope when that day comes I don't sit there and think wow. Half of my time was spent just sitting on a couch. I really hope I can say I made something of myself and I made something of someone else too! I really hope I can reflect on the lives I've been able to come in contact with, the messes I've made with my kids and the progress I've made within myself. So for me, my time is going to be spent doing something else and not tv. Don't get me wrong- we're not like anti tv now. If something comes up and our friends or family nearby want to watch it we'll go to their place or catch a game at a restaurant or go to movies for a date. It's going to be more of a social gathering for us. OH it's gunna be a HARD adjustment for sure but I think... I really think it'll be worth it. I told my husband the other day that I don't want to be mediocre and if that's the case then I have to make some big changes including how my time is spent. So here goes nothing to spending time in better ways and hopefully I can look back in ten years from now and be proud of who I've become. Hopefully I can say- Life is really worth LIVING and I'm living it! 

Life Changes: Part 2

I just want to preface the ending of this story with a word of caution and my own testimony. I know that the Lord points to where we need to go always. It's really up to us how we're going to make his pointing more apparent in our lives. Sometimes life gets in the way of that and it needs to be cleaned up and fixed so we can see his direction more clearly. That even means seeking medical professional help.

For me the Lord had been there all along. He always is. His atonement didn't just happen so many years ago and died when His mortal body died. No He lives and with that the atonement is a living and breathing thing; a pure love that can lead us back to our Father in Heaven. No matter what pit we are in in life- we CAN get out of it. We can be rescued. We can be helped.

I was in such a pit. I will have you know I wasn't in a pit of deep sin but rather a pit of depression. Yes it took months to finally label it and put a description on what was really going on with Kendilyn. But- just as real as the rain falling from the sky so is depression for the average person, even for me. It took a long time to discover that I had it. I didn't think I'd ever have such an illness and in fact, embarrassing enough as this is to admit, laughed at the fact that people claimed they even had such an illness. I genuinely felt as though mental illnesses were just an excuse for a bad day. Now I know. Now I've been humbled. Mental illnesses ARE real and can be life altering. Something that our finite minds can't fully comprehend but something that is definitely felt. As heard before from another with a mental illness- broken bones can be healed but a mental illness is your core, who you are.

Before I discovered I had depression, perhaps postpartum depression, I would read scriptures after talks and be praying- what was wrong with me? Why isn't the spirit as abundant in my life as it had been? What was I doing wrong? What sin have I committed that was causing this? I could not get answers but more questions after questions. My husband gave me blessings all the while our arguments would increase. What was happening to us? What was happening to our relationship with each other, our family and the Lord? I'm sad to say our arguments never really had an end they just built on top of each other. We didn't really know what the root of the argument or negativity was or where it was going. One thing was for certain- I made a covenant with my Lord and I was going to hunt it out to figure out what was happening. In the midst of studying scriptures and talks and really hunting I stumbled across a talk by Elder Holland entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". It was this talk that for a split moment I felt something? Was the problem with me even deeper then I imagined? I started to study and study his talk. He was talking to me!

Like a Broken Vessel

I had turned to my husband and exclaimed, maybe I should go talk with the bishop. That was the first step. Jeremy was extremely hesitant with it. I can't say I don't blame him. I too was once incredibly skeptical of the whole idea of mental illnesses. My claim to possibly having a mental illness was completely from left field. After all it was me we were talking about! It could never happen to me! More scriptures and prayer would be his advice towards me. Which in the past had fixed the majority of any issue. Finally after some prayer and a little bit of fasting and a lot of discussion it was time for me to set up an appointment with the bishop. With a formal setting with the bishop he sent his deepest regrets, told me I was to be released and immediately referred me to a therapist. Jeremy again received confirmation for me and this path as he began to see my progress. We were both humbled that this was a real issue.

On my first meeting with the therapist I was asked to fill out a questionnaire. The last question asked me what I liked about myself. I remember tears gushing out of my eyes as I couldn't think of one thing! It was in this moment that I finally realized I was genuinely unhappy with not only life but myself. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere, like I couldn't breath. Something was genuinely wrong and I felt as though I was in the bottom of a self dug pit. What had I done to myself and my spirit?

The truth of the matter is if you are faced with depression or any other mental illness you didn't "do it to yourself". Sure there are some things that can be applied and somethings that can help you "square your shoulders" but ultimately you didn't put it on yourself. You need to know that! I needed to know that. I didn't cause this to myself I was faced with about 5+ life alterring changes at once and unfortunately it affected who I was.

As therapy progressed and some things were applied it was suggested that I go see my family doctor to be perscribed for an anti depressant. I again felt put off a bit. I thought I was doing great without the medication and although I was perscribed refused to take it for a bit. "pills are a bad thing. They make you a bad person!" Those were the thoughts in my head and to admit I was taking them to anyone would make me less of a person. I was about to throw them away when I literally had the worst week yet. There was no hope that week and I found myself watching a little TOO much TV and not motivated to do anything. I digressed and needed help to get back on track. After a little prayer and self talking to I decided I needed to go ahead and take them. It was the best choice yet! It took a lot of humbling and a lot of faith but I am so glad I did. Results came within just a few weeks. Many weeks and a couple months later I finally felt happy. I haven't felt this "at peace" for almost a year. My husband turned to me about a month ago and said, "You're Kendilyn again!" I felt it too.

I met with my therapist for the last time this past week and as I got to her office she said, "you're glowing! You look great." Our meeting was shorter and ulitmately we both decided that I was back on track. I did not schedule a return appointment and as I left that day I never felt happier. I've reached some resolve in my life. I was back on track! I was me again.

This was a long journey and often when we're faced with a trial we receive some type of reassurance that things will be okay. My reassurance didn't come until almost 10 months later but it did come. I almost gave up hope a couple times. I wanted to crawl in a corner and give up everything in life. I felt as though someone could play "me" better! I remember feeling useless and unworthy and extremely unproductive. I was just going through day to day and there was nothing to get me to the next day. It was an awful feeling and doing any small task seemed almost impossible. What gave me hope in the end and even just to go through those awful days was that I did have a family, a family who loved me and cared about me and a family who depended on me. I had to remind myself of that often. It wasn't until the end of finding a resolve that I again felt the hope of the atonement in my life. And it was okay! I needed to understand for myself that mental illness was a real thing. This was a real thing people go through. This is something that people need to seek professional help for! God was guiding me through this healing process and although he wasn't as visible in times past looking back now I realize He had been there every step of the way. He helped soften my husbands heart about the idea of a mental illness, he gave time for me to sit down and have a legitimate conversation with my bishop. He guided me right to a therapist who was trustworthy and faith promoting. He led me to a doctor who was personal and helpful. Most importantly he had helped me feel joy again in my life and allowed my testimony to increase in charity, compassion and helped me realize the ultimate healing power comes from the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.

I feel for those who struggle with real mental illnesses. I advise you to seek help! If you are LDS go to your bishop, counsel with him and he most likely can guide you to a professional who can help you. Most importantly- get help! It's not worth feeling lost everyday. We are all loved by a Father in Heaven who cares for us and need to feel that love in our lives. Afterall "Adam fell that men migh be and men are that they might have JOY!"

Life Change: Part One

First off.  I'm not a blogger.  Sometimes I want to be and then reality sets in and I realize I have just about enough time for the essentials of life and that's about it.  But occasionally I get the prompting to write and not just in my journal but in a blog.  In my blog.

I'm not a professional writer.  That's obvious.  But I do have my own story and that's what brings me here.  I have a total of about 15 started blogs over the past year and I figured it's finally time to buckle down and press the "publish" button.  I'm not writing my story to get "attention" or "likes" but rather for someone who can relate that needs to hear some words of encouragement.  Because about a year ago I could have used those words myself.

As you can see, or maybe you haven't, I haven't written in my blog for over 4 years now.  Before that I wasn't much into it either.  I've made excuse after excuse after excuse why NOT to write.  Letting strangers in your personal life was one of those.  I warn those who've already come this far in reading- Please don't judge me.  I'm only sharing my story to help others who maybe have gone through the same experience or GOING through this experience to seek hope.

Enough jib jab, just get to the point!  So a little over a year ago I finally graduated college!  I say finally because I graduated high school in 2006.  Now you do the math.  Yes it took me a long time but I did take some personal time in there, ie."figuring myself out" and some time for the Lord, ie. a mission.  But I finally buckled down and I finally graduated.  I guess it took getting married and having a child to finally put that diploma in my hands.  I am ever so grateful for finally making it and finally getting through to the end.  (That whole "education story" is for another time!)  But as I grabbed my diploma and as the next semester started it hit me that I wouldn't be joining the thousands on campus that morning.  I would be at home.  At home with my almost terrible two year old and pregnant.  I found myself a little bit lost.  Okay let's be honest people- a LOT lost.  What was I suppose to do with my time?? And how was I suppose to be "a mother"??  I didn't go to school to get a "mother degree"!  I knew that this was going to be the goal though.  This is what my husband and I talked about was our plan.  My plan.  I wanted to be there for our children and watch them grow up.  I didn't know what that meant.  I still don't fully know what that means.

Our plan was to have Jeremy finish in the end of July, take the GRE in the summer break, work in the fall, have Jeremy work on campus in the winter while we waited to here to what school we were going to next.  I was ready for that journey.  In fact I was excited about it!  After all with my many years of school you'd think I'd want to be done with it but it was life I was comfortable with, one that I actually really enjoyed.

July came around and so did the birth of our new baby boy Timothy, Jeremy's school was done and the blessing of Timothy had just happened.  Jeremy's family was in town and that's where the conversations began.  "Why don't you work with your dad Jeremy?"  For whatever reason this question was coming up more and more!  It wasn't even from Jeremy's family -it was from the Lord.  It was from Jeremy.  So discussions were being made and plans were being put into place.  The GRE was cancelled and literally less then a month we were moving to CA to have Jeremy work with his Dad for his Uncle's company.  I was leery of the idea, however I felt enough of a push that what we were doing was okay and right.  I knew I needed faith to just accept and move forward.

That's where our story really begins.  New baby, new career, new friends, new area, new ward, new surroundings, new. new. new.  Well you get the idea.  I was not really ready for new.  I accepted this "change" but I was REALLY emotionally ready for the change.  And looking back, there was really no other way.  It's what needed to happened and how it needed to happen.

There is something you need to know about me, if you don't already.  I have had a lot of last minute life decisions after high school that have lead me to some pretty amazing circumstances including school in Hawaii, new friends/job in Utah and a mission in Oregon.  All of which followed the same pattern of the Lord just telling me to go for it and me stepping completely into the dark.  There is no exception to that same pattern as this was at this time for me and our family.  I guess I just assumed that this time would have been different, I also expected that every other time.  I've learned now not to expect certain things from the way the Lord SHOULD work with you.  He's your Father after all, not the other way around.

So here we are in CA with a lot of "new".  My little Idaho bubble was popped and suddenly I'm very much in the world.  Again, I figured the transition would be easy.  I got a calling in our ward pretty quickly, felt very welcomed by some family and new ward family.  It should be comfortable after all.  But you guessed it! It was not.  It was not an easy adjustment.  I think the hardest adjustment of it all was the fact that my husband was out working almost 60 hour weeks when I was so used to seeing
him half the day everyday.  I felt disconnected and really alone.  I think my hope was starting to drain.  My happiness was numb.  I had an infant and toddler who depended on my every move and I didn't even feel like the Lord was walking with me in my new journey.

My hope had gone numb. My testimony, my happiness and in reality "kendilyn" had gone missing.  I was lost and I didn't know how to get back.

Things as They Really Are

This week for my family foundations class we've been asked to track our media time online for two weeks. We had to set a goal for ourselves too. I decided I would do a facebook fast for two weeks. So far I've been facebook free for two days. Being facebook free has really been a blessing! I've been able to accomplish a lot more. I've spent just as much time on the computer however, due to homework and projects. It's been amazing however to be more consciously aware of the time I've been spending online.

Computers seem to consume our lives these days. If we aren't on the computer, we're on our phones, if we aren't on our phones we're on our ipods. What would a day be like if the world didn't have ANY technology connected to their ears, fingers, or eyes? What if we put it all away and just stopped and looked at the people around us and had heartfelt conversations with strangers more? How would this impact our souls? I would challenge each of you to just try for a day if you're walking to and fro places to put away your technology and look around you. Who needs a friendly smile or a simple hello? Maybe you need the time to ponder and rest your brain from all the radio waves you just put in your brain.

Our teacher shared this clip with us and I realized how grateful I was I didn't have an iphone. :) Don't get me wrong, technology can do us a lot of good but like all good things come a good balance. I am grateful for these next two weeks I'll have to track my media time and to use my time for something else good.

True Friendship.

Last week... We got a little intense in FHE. The loser of spoons had to have a bad posted picture on facebook for the week. Unfortunately, Marrisa Lewis lost. (See picture to the left.) But we love her.

In fact, I just wanted to say how much I love every single one of my roommates. Okay, not just my roommates this semester but last semester as well.

(That picture is of us roasting marshmallows in our room over a toaster. YUM! -OH. homemade marshmallows, EVEN-BETTER!)

I have been so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life. Looking back I've needed all my roommates for a reason at that time. I've grown so much from every one of them. Of course I would include my companions in the same boat. These girls (companions/roommates) have taught me everything I've needed to learn. Everything from the power of a good workout to the true meaning of charity. I've had roommates that have come from every background possible, outside of the church and in and each one of them have shaped me a little bit better. I just wanted to express my love for my roommates and friends around. I can't express enough gratitude to them and to my Father in Heaven for sending good people in my life.

Today I was bearing my testimony in Relief Society and as I glanced around I thought, "wow. you are my sister." Of course I don't know everyone by their names or even what's in their hearts but they are my sisters.

I've just been feeling very blessed lately in life. There have been some intense trials since I've been home from my mission but not anything I haven't be able to overcome by help of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe the Lord helped a bit too, by sending me wonderful people while I've had the chance to adjust back to the college life.

While we are on the note of true friendships. I am reminded of the scripture, "No man hath greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." The Savior is the truest friend we could ever have. He lives! & He loves us. He has provided his life as a sacrifice for our return and an example to follow. The gospel of Jesus Christ is very real and is the tool to help us return home someday. Thank HEAVENS for the scriptures because they indeed help us on this path. They are true in every way possible. As we read from them we can learn more about the Savior and about how to pattern after his life. The power of prayer is very real. He hears us when we pray to Him and listens. He loves us and wants to hear from us.

Oh gosh! It's just great to be alive on this earth at this time and to experience these blessings in mortality!

Mundane Mondays

New week.

I got off the phone with my sister, whom I feel I haven't talked with in ages tonight and realized tomorrow is Monday. How do the weeks and weekends just FLY by?? I am so sad that it's another week tomorrow but anxious at the same time. As this new week begins I have a lot of thoughts already about my newer surroundings.

SO many mixed emotions can make any child's head pop....off. But I'm keeping it together. Sadly this semester of classes is not what I want it to be. There have been so many opinions thrown at me about my major and it's making me insane. The best advice I got was from my bishop a couple weekends ago. He told me to do what I love to do. I am excited because I realized the only thing I REALLY love doing is designing; basically I love anything with art. I've decided to go back to interior design so right now I'm waiting and finishing up my application process for the program. UNfortunately I won't be able to get into the program until the fall and then it will be 4 years until it's done. Any practical person might be thinking that this is the worst idea yet. BUT I've decided to chase my dream and passion, no matter how long it might take. I want to do what I love.

Another evaluation I've observed about myself lately. I keep taking everyone else's advice instead of listening to my heart and mind and the spirit more. I'm trying this out more lately. I know I've been given this special gift and I just need to use it (agency that is!). I think I'm so nervous to test the waters that I don't even take a chance at times. How do you know if you don't even try. So I'm taking a chance with different experiences right now... ie. dating, friendships, school, etc. I'm excited to see where my path will lead this semester. I know if anything I will learn and grow more and that's all I hope for! :)