Life Change: Part One

First off.  I'm not a blogger.  Sometimes I want to be and then reality sets in and I realize I have just about enough time for the essentials of life and that's about it.  But occasionally I get the prompting to write and not just in my journal but in a blog.  In my blog.

I'm not a professional writer.  That's obvious.  But I do have my own story and that's what brings me here.  I have a total of about 15 started blogs over the past year and I figured it's finally time to buckle down and press the "publish" button.  I'm not writing my story to get "attention" or "likes" but rather for someone who can relate that needs to hear some words of encouragement.  Because about a year ago I could have used those words myself.

As you can see, or maybe you haven't, I haven't written in my blog for over 4 years now.  Before that I wasn't much into it either.  I've made excuse after excuse after excuse why NOT to write.  Letting strangers in your personal life was one of those.  I warn those who've already come this far in reading- Please don't judge me.  I'm only sharing my story to help others who maybe have gone through the same experience or GOING through this experience to seek hope.

Enough jib jab, just get to the point!  So a little over a year ago I finally graduated college!  I say finally because I graduated high school in 2006.  Now you do the math.  Yes it took me a long time but I did take some personal time in there, ie."figuring myself out" and some time for the Lord, ie. a mission.  But I finally buckled down and I finally graduated.  I guess it took getting married and having a child to finally put that diploma in my hands.  I am ever so grateful for finally making it and finally getting through to the end.  (That whole "education story" is for another time!)  But as I grabbed my diploma and as the next semester started it hit me that I wouldn't be joining the thousands on campus that morning.  I would be at home.  At home with my almost terrible two year old and pregnant.  I found myself a little bit lost.  Okay let's be honest people- a LOT lost.  What was I suppose to do with my time?? And how was I suppose to be "a mother"??  I didn't go to school to get a "mother degree"!  I knew that this was going to be the goal though.  This is what my husband and I talked about was our plan.  My plan.  I wanted to be there for our children and watch them grow up.  I didn't know what that meant.  I still don't fully know what that means.

Our plan was to have Jeremy finish in the end of July, take the GRE in the summer break, work in the fall, have Jeremy work on campus in the winter while we waited to here to what school we were going to next.  I was ready for that journey.  In fact I was excited about it!  After all with my many years of school you'd think I'd want to be done with it but it was life I was comfortable with, one that I actually really enjoyed.

July came around and so did the birth of our new baby boy Timothy, Jeremy's school was done and the blessing of Timothy had just happened.  Jeremy's family was in town and that's where the conversations began.  "Why don't you work with your dad Jeremy?"  For whatever reason this question was coming up more and more!  It wasn't even from Jeremy's family -it was from the Lord.  It was from Jeremy.  So discussions were being made and plans were being put into place.  The GRE was cancelled and literally less then a month we were moving to CA to have Jeremy work with his Dad for his Uncle's company.  I was leery of the idea, however I felt enough of a push that what we were doing was okay and right.  I knew I needed faith to just accept and move forward.

That's where our story really begins.  New baby, new career, new friends, new area, new ward, new surroundings, new. new. new.  Well you get the idea.  I was not really ready for new.  I accepted this "change" but I was REALLY emotionally ready for the change.  And looking back, there was really no other way.  It's what needed to happened and how it needed to happen.

There is something you need to know about me, if you don't already.  I have had a lot of last minute life decisions after high school that have lead me to some pretty amazing circumstances including school in Hawaii, new friends/job in Utah and a mission in Oregon.  All of which followed the same pattern of the Lord just telling me to go for it and me stepping completely into the dark.  There is no exception to that same pattern as this was at this time for me and our family.  I guess I just assumed that this time would have been different, I also expected that every other time.  I've learned now not to expect certain things from the way the Lord SHOULD work with you.  He's your Father after all, not the other way around.

So here we are in CA with a lot of "new".  My little Idaho bubble was popped and suddenly I'm very much in the world.  Again, I figured the transition would be easy.  I got a calling in our ward pretty quickly, felt very welcomed by some family and new ward family.  It should be comfortable after all.  But you guessed it! It was not.  It was not an easy adjustment.  I think the hardest adjustment of it all was the fact that my husband was out working almost 60 hour weeks when I was so used to seeing
him half the day everyday.  I felt disconnected and really alone.  I think my hope was starting to drain.  My happiness was numb.  I had an infant and toddler who depended on my every move and I didn't even feel like the Lord was walking with me in my new journey.

My hope had gone numb. My testimony, my happiness and in reality "kendilyn" had gone missing.  I was lost and I didn't know how to get back.