Having a mental illness, such as depression as I have, has been.... lets just say... a struggle. One day I'm feeling great and the next it's just a tear streaming, lock myself in the closet and give me all the chocolate kind of day. I try to be strong, especially since that's my personality type- perfectionist, organizer, but still spontaneous and wanting all to be happy kind of gal.
I don't have it all figured out. I don't know if I'll ever have this mental illness thing figured out. It's as though I have this new identity incorporated in my personality and now I have to learn to work with it. It started off as postpartum depression (I wrote about that in another blog) but my symptoms keep coming back...and forth and back again. I have been in denial that this is something that's just going to stick with me for a while and I have to figure out how to work with it, instead of against it. I had seen a therapist, taken medication for over a year and went off of it again. I was prescribed again but with having baby number three on the way felt really strongly not to be in medication while pregnant. I can't deny those promptings and impressions. So until the baby comes and I feel to get back on medication, everyday I choose to be happy, BUT even when choosing to be happy- hauntings of depression still hang over me. It's true what they say, depression isn't just "having a bad day"; it's so much more than that. Anything can really trigger it and it's always on your mind.
Then there is the religious struggle. Is this Satan working on me? Is this my own thoughts? Everything I grew up with to help build my testimony is challenged when I am faced with a full blown depression episode. Why doesn't God love me? Why do I feel so wrong about myself even when I've read the scriptures, said my prayers and did my best to be a "good girl"? The simple questions of my faith are challenged. Then on top of that there's the daily struggle of just being a mom. You know the usual questions and doubts that pop in our heads as moms. Should my child be doing that? How can I help them understand better? I'm not playing with them enough; I'm letting them watch too much TV; they should be eating better... etc etc. The mom guilt! (That has it's own blog within itself.)
So where's the balance in it all? How do I find some kind of solace? How do I still be a "good mom" and a good ME? I'm still trying to figure that out. I also have the internal struggle of really being myself around others. Come on, no one likes being around a complainer! But when these are the thoughts that haunt you every day and you pray that they'll just go away it's hard to have a normal meaningful conversation with others without being too much. While still seeking that friendly advice from friends or family around you without sounding like a total hopeless case. Don't get my wrong I do my best to serve and step out of myself but somedays I just can not. Depression is an AWFUL illness. I pray that no one ever has to go through, although I know thousands do.
That's why I write. I unload all my thoughts in words that I may not be able to express to those closest to me but hopefully someone out there may benefit from my experience and know they aren't alone. After all I think that's the BIGGEST tool Satan can use on us is make us feel that we are alone. This is the thought that sustains me, sometimes in my subconscious thoughts, is that I am NOT alone. Not only do I have a loving Heavenly Father and an Elder Brother who died for me but there are people, people I may not even know, that struggle everyday with the same struggles I have. It's nice to hear "I know how you feel" but especially with others experiences accompanying that "I know how you feel" goes a much longer way. So if you have the same struggles just know I know exactly how you feel and I'd be happy to talk experiences. I may not have all the answers and this may be something I have to work through for the rest of my life, but it's my trial & for whatever reason the Lord seems to give me to help me learn from. Until I figure out the why, which may never be answered (and knowing that is hard to swallow) I just keep going because that's all He asks from us in life is to JUST KEEP GOING.
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