Life Change: Part One

First off.  I'm not a blogger.  Sometimes I want to be and then reality sets in and I realize I have just about enough time for the essentials of life and that's about it.  But occasionally I get the prompting to write and not just in my journal but in a blog.  In my blog.

I'm not a professional writer.  That's obvious.  But I do have my own story and that's what brings me here.  I have a total of about 15 started blogs over the past year and I figured it's finally time to buckle down and press the "publish" button.  I'm not writing my story to get "attention" or "likes" but rather for someone who can relate that needs to hear some words of encouragement.  Because about a year ago I could have used those words myself.

As you can see, or maybe you haven't, I haven't written in my blog for over 4 years now.  Before that I wasn't much into it either.  I've made excuse after excuse after excuse why NOT to write.  Letting strangers in your personal life was one of those.  I warn those who've already come this far in reading- Please don't judge me.  I'm only sharing my story to help others who maybe have gone through the same experience or GOING through this experience to seek hope.

Enough jib jab, just get to the point!  So a little over a year ago I finally graduated college!  I say finally because I graduated high school in 2006.  Now you do the math.  Yes it took me a long time but I did take some personal time in there, ie."figuring myself out" and some time for the Lord, ie. a mission.  But I finally buckled down and I finally graduated.  I guess it took getting married and having a child to finally put that diploma in my hands.  I am ever so grateful for finally making it and finally getting through to the end.  (That whole "education story" is for another time!)  But as I grabbed my diploma and as the next semester started it hit me that I wouldn't be joining the thousands on campus that morning.  I would be at home.  At home with my almost terrible two year old and pregnant.  I found myself a little bit lost.  Okay let's be honest people- a LOT lost.  What was I suppose to do with my time?? And how was I suppose to be "a mother"??  I didn't go to school to get a "mother degree"!  I knew that this was going to be the goal though.  This is what my husband and I talked about was our plan.  My plan.  I wanted to be there for our children and watch them grow up.  I didn't know what that meant.  I still don't fully know what that means.

Our plan was to have Jeremy finish in the end of July, take the GRE in the summer break, work in the fall, have Jeremy work on campus in the winter while we waited to here to what school we were going to next.  I was ready for that journey.  In fact I was excited about it!  After all with my many years of school you'd think I'd want to be done with it but it was life I was comfortable with, one that I actually really enjoyed.

July came around and so did the birth of our new baby boy Timothy, Jeremy's school was done and the blessing of Timothy had just happened.  Jeremy's family was in town and that's where the conversations began.  "Why don't you work with your dad Jeremy?"  For whatever reason this question was coming up more and more!  It wasn't even from Jeremy's family -it was from the Lord.  It was from Jeremy.  So discussions were being made and plans were being put into place.  The GRE was cancelled and literally less then a month we were moving to CA to have Jeremy work with his Dad for his Uncle's company.  I was leery of the idea, however I felt enough of a push that what we were doing was okay and right.  I knew I needed faith to just accept and move forward.

That's where our story really begins.  New baby, new career, new friends, new area, new ward, new surroundings, new. new. new.  Well you get the idea.  I was not really ready for new.  I accepted this "change" but I was REALLY emotionally ready for the change.  And looking back, there was really no other way.  It's what needed to happened and how it needed to happen.

There is something you need to know about me, if you don't already.  I have had a lot of last minute life decisions after high school that have lead me to some pretty amazing circumstances including school in Hawaii, new friends/job in Utah and a mission in Oregon.  All of which followed the same pattern of the Lord just telling me to go for it and me stepping completely into the dark.  There is no exception to that same pattern as this was at this time for me and our family.  I guess I just assumed that this time would have been different, I also expected that every other time.  I've learned now not to expect certain things from the way the Lord SHOULD work with you.  He's your Father after all, not the other way around.

So here we are in CA with a lot of "new".  My little Idaho bubble was popped and suddenly I'm very much in the world.  Again, I figured the transition would be easy.  I got a calling in our ward pretty quickly, felt very welcomed by some family and new ward family.  It should be comfortable after all.  But you guessed it! It was not.  It was not an easy adjustment.  I think the hardest adjustment of it all was the fact that my husband was out working almost 60 hour weeks when I was so used to seeing
him half the day everyday.  I felt disconnected and really alone.  I think my hope was starting to drain.  My happiness was numb.  I had an infant and toddler who depended on my every move and I didn't even feel like the Lord was walking with me in my new journey.

My hope had gone numb. My testimony, my happiness and in reality "kendilyn" had gone missing.  I was lost and I didn't know how to get back.

Things as They Really Are

This week for my family foundations class we've been asked to track our media time online for two weeks. We had to set a goal for ourselves too. I decided I would do a facebook fast for two weeks. So far I've been facebook free for two days. Being facebook free has really been a blessing! I've been able to accomplish a lot more. I've spent just as much time on the computer however, due to homework and projects. It's been amazing however to be more consciously aware of the time I've been spending online.

Computers seem to consume our lives these days. If we aren't on the computer, we're on our phones, if we aren't on our phones we're on our ipods. What would a day be like if the world didn't have ANY technology connected to their ears, fingers, or eyes? What if we put it all away and just stopped and looked at the people around us and had heartfelt conversations with strangers more? How would this impact our souls? I would challenge each of you to just try for a day if you're walking to and fro places to put away your technology and look around you. Who needs a friendly smile or a simple hello? Maybe you need the time to ponder and rest your brain from all the radio waves you just put in your brain.

Our teacher shared this clip with us and I realized how grateful I was I didn't have an iphone. :) Don't get me wrong, technology can do us a lot of good but like all good things come a good balance. I am grateful for these next two weeks I'll have to track my media time and to use my time for something else good.

True Friendship.

Last week... We got a little intense in FHE. The loser of spoons had to have a bad posted picture on facebook for the week. Unfortunately, Marrisa Lewis lost. (See picture to the left.) But we love her.

In fact, I just wanted to say how much I love every single one of my roommates. Okay, not just my roommates this semester but last semester as well.

(That picture is of us roasting marshmallows in our room over a toaster. YUM! -OH. homemade marshmallows, EVEN-BETTER!)

I have been so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life. Looking back I've needed all my roommates for a reason at that time. I've grown so much from every one of them. Of course I would include my companions in the same boat. These girls (companions/roommates) have taught me everything I've needed to learn. Everything from the power of a good workout to the true meaning of charity. I've had roommates that have come from every background possible, outside of the church and in and each one of them have shaped me a little bit better. I just wanted to express my love for my roommates and friends around. I can't express enough gratitude to them and to my Father in Heaven for sending good people in my life.

Today I was bearing my testimony in Relief Society and as I glanced around I thought, "wow. you are my sister." Of course I don't know everyone by their names or even what's in their hearts but they are my sisters.

I've just been feeling very blessed lately in life. There have been some intense trials since I've been home from my mission but not anything I haven't be able to overcome by help of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe the Lord helped a bit too, by sending me wonderful people while I've had the chance to adjust back to the college life.

While we are on the note of true friendships. I am reminded of the scripture, "No man hath greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." The Savior is the truest friend we could ever have. He lives! & He loves us. He has provided his life as a sacrifice for our return and an example to follow. The gospel of Jesus Christ is very real and is the tool to help us return home someday. Thank HEAVENS for the scriptures because they indeed help us on this path. They are true in every way possible. As we read from them we can learn more about the Savior and about how to pattern after his life. The power of prayer is very real. He hears us when we pray to Him and listens. He loves us and wants to hear from us.

Oh gosh! It's just great to be alive on this earth at this time and to experience these blessings in mortality!

Mundane Mondays

New week.

I got off the phone with my sister, whom I feel I haven't talked with in ages tonight and realized tomorrow is Monday. How do the weeks and weekends just FLY by?? I am so sad that it's another week tomorrow but anxious at the same time. As this new week begins I have a lot of thoughts already about my newer surroundings.

SO many mixed emotions can make any child's head pop....off. But I'm keeping it together. Sadly this semester of classes is not what I want it to be. There have been so many opinions thrown at me about my major and it's making me insane. The best advice I got was from my bishop a couple weekends ago. He told me to do what I love to do. I am excited because I realized the only thing I REALLY love doing is designing; basically I love anything with art. I've decided to go back to interior design so right now I'm waiting and finishing up my application process for the program. UNfortunately I won't be able to get into the program until the fall and then it will be 4 years until it's done. Any practical person might be thinking that this is the worst idea yet. BUT I've decided to chase my dream and passion, no matter how long it might take. I want to do what I love.

Another evaluation I've observed about myself lately. I keep taking everyone else's advice instead of listening to my heart and mind and the spirit more. I'm trying this out more lately. I know I've been given this special gift and I just need to use it (agency that is!). I think I'm so nervous to test the waters that I don't even take a chance at times. How do you know if you don't even try. So I'm taking a chance with different experiences right now... ie. dating, friendships, school, etc. I'm excited to see where my path will lead this semester. I know if anything I will learn and grow more and that's all I hope for! :)

The Case of the Ticking Fan.

I feel a bit a bit melodramatic tonight. It's been a LONG day! Good day but long day. I start my days at about 630. I have work at 8. Then I have classes until about 630. That's not including the time for homework. "Back up plans" are lunch and dinner lately. I feel a bit drained. Someone asked me this question the other day: "what do you do for fun?" FUN!?? I thought in my head. There's no time for fun! haha. One word: PATHETIC! Something has GOT TO change.

Lately I've been feeling a bit stagnant and wondering why. Perhaps all RM's go through this phase. Where they've experienced this mighty change and then they have to go back to life and the daily mundane things. Perhaps when we get down on ourselves we're dwelling too much on the past regrets and not enough on the future and what we could be and what we can do.

There's this quote from President Monson," The past is behind, learn from it; the future is ahead, prepare for it; the present is now, live in it."

I think I'd like to set a new goal for myself: try to have more fun. Start living life and enjoying it!

I'll just end on this story tonight:

Speaking of enjoyment... tonight our fan has been ticking pretty loud. My roommate and I are both getting ready to lay down in bed and the noise just gets louder. We both

perked up and stuff starts falling down from out of the fan. We both screamed and turn on the light and stare at this fan. The first thought that comes to our minds: "Must be a bat!" Yup! That's right.

There's a bat in our little fan. Must be. That seemed like the most logical answer for both of us. The fan ticking got louder and I looked over to notice Chelsie had tucked herself a bit more underneath her covers. "Are you worried that something is gunna come fly out at you?" Her response: "‎Have you ever thrown a sock at a fan? I used to do that all the time."

After some careful study... DUST. Dust was falling from out of our fan. Now we can safely

go to bed. ((except Chelsie is now googling bat pictures and will now have nightmares...))

I'm glad I could end my night with a laugh.

wow.

Here's to taking off a heavy brick and...

Shaking the dust off this old thing and trying to put it to use.

I'm living in Idaho now! I'm back from my mission, but if you are my friend... which you are if you're reading this, then you already know that! :)

I've been in Rexburg for almost a month now. Lots of new things are happening. I love my new roommates and I'm already getting to know so many people. Our ward is super nice and I feel like one of the older ones but I am learning so much from everyone. oh. My roommate Amanda took Chelsie and I for a little "photoshoot" last weekend and so here are some of the pics from that...

I have had a lot of confusing choices since I've been home from my mission, I feel like an adult being reborn. Lots to learn all over again I feel. It's mixing the new things from what I learned on my mission with the old things what I did before my mission. To name a few... dating, talking to people, SCHOOL, managing time in a new kind of way.

School has been one of the hardest. Not because the classes are hard, although not the easiest, BUT I have been so confused about what to do. I think I changed my major 5 times since I've been home from my mission. I feel SUPER pathetic when everyone kept asking me what I'm doing with my life. I had never felt so lost. Possibly because I just miss my mission so much that I would just want to teach the gospel the rest of my life. I vote they give you a degree for missionary work. :) Wouldn't that be nice? Art Education, Interior design, nursing, health science. Those are just a few of my top majors I want to do. Hmm. To make a LONG story less boring... I decided the health profession wasn't for me. I like staying healthy, and helping others that can't help themselves, but it's not my passion. I love art. I love creating and I love making others happy in the process. After talking with my bishop last week I realized I wasn't REALLY happy doing health science. Although good and practical I needed to follow my passion and my dream. -No matter how long or tedious it may be to finish-. Although dreams and passions are never really satisfied, right? I think they just keep getting fulfilled the more we learn about them.

Okay stay on topic kendilyn. -Rambling is something I'm good at these days!-

Well I changed my petition and signed it up for interior design. At first they were telling me I couldn't do it ...at the beginning of the day. At the end of the day I had my petition signed for and now it's just a matter of getting into the program. I pray I do! I am excited for this change. The whole day I felt so much joy. I'll get to create in school! I know it's going to be hard and will probably eat my life away but SO worth it. Most may say this is the dumbest idea they ever heard of, for me to start over basically in school but I think in the long run it'll be something I enjoy doing. I guess I'm just meant to stay in school.

Dating. Another topic we single mid 20-year old's hate discussing. There's so much pressure on us these days that I think we avoid it all together. However. I have been dating quite a bit since I've been off the mish. No big fireworks yet, And no. No proposals or anything crazy although there's been a lot of memorable experiences... some of the best dates. I had my first date in Rexburg tonight. Suprisingly it was a lot of fun. My roommates had been teasing me all week because... well I'm not sure. It's just what girls do. We went singing at stadium singing (tons of people get together to sing under neath the bleechers), had hot coco and then walked around near the stadium and then back to my house. Not to get too deep here but I told him it doesn't matter what you do with a person, as long as you're in good company. I want that to be my theme, not just in dating but in life. Doesn't matter the place or the objective, but just as long as you're in good company! He asked me out again... so stay tuned.

I got a calling today: ward compassionate service leader. I'm really excited for it. I felt a prick in my heart when I got the calling. I knew it came from the Lord. I'm excited to serve and to have an excuse to do it. I think it'll be good to help the girls break from their shells and get to know each other a bit more. :) I hope I can fulfill the calling well.

I'm looking forward to all these new experiences this semester. I pray I can press forward with faith.

Out with The Old, In with The New

Okay. I suppose it's been a while since my last post but LOTS has been happening. So to catch up I'll start backwards a little bit...

Thanksgiving 2009.

LOTS of people joined the feast that was hosted at my brother Trevor's with his wife Lauren. (to name a few... Gwen and Bob Evans -providing most of the food- Stacey, then we had many hale 2 guests and The Ellsworths -Jason, Michelle and Deacon -etc etc.)

December 2009

First, Saying my final goodbyes with some night outs on the bus to kaneohe and kahuku. :)

Jason's graduation! -followed by a delicious lunch provided by kahuku grill. Thank you President Hanneman!!!

Packing up (or lack-there-of)and saying goodbye to Hale 5, friends, even some family. -And of course...THE BEACH!

I guess it didn't hit me so much that I was never coming back to this beautiful place -Hawaii- to live again until these last couple weeks!

Taking out my endownments. The day after Christmas... here we go! I was set to go in the temple. I was so... ready. I wanted to go so bad. I think I was a little blown away at first but when I got to the celestial room to see my mom waiting there with her arms stretched out and then seeing each family member greet me. Words can't describe the LOVE that my Heavenly Father blessed me with. I wouldn't pick another family to spend eternity with.

Hospital Adventures! If you want to call them that...

Grandma Bullock (92) likes to be the center of attention. Unfortunately she came out with a bang, right on her hip. So the day before the wedding -in the midst of running around for Nikki's wedding- we receive a text that grandma Bullock has fallen pretty hard and was off to the ER. More to come!

The Olave Wedding! What an eventful weekend. The minute I got off the plane it was "LET'S GO WEDDING RECEPTION LAST MINUTE SHOPPING!"

It's taken me a while to finally realize what was going on the minute I started zipping up my bridesmaid dress. Not to mention the song I was scheduled to sing but had not practiced until ...well.... that night.

But I think it turned out well. Not to mention, seeing my sister in a wedding gown with the biggest grin of america. One word: STUNNING. She was absolutely GORGEOUS!! And I'm so lucky to have another amazing brother-in-law.

Oh. And we did a little celebrating afterwards. :) mmm. In-and-out!!

New Years Eve with a long time friend... AMBER and SO lucky to have spent it with Ashley Reader as well, then of course there was my brother and all that boys. First we went to Gameworks and then Jesse Larson's parents house. We all thought it was pretty interesting to have a random black man stumble in our driveway bonfire.. but the dance moves he did for us on a tarp in the middle of a road were SO worth it! :)

Let January 2010 begin.

Well everyone's gone. JUST-LIKE-THAT. So it's taking down the Christmas tree, taking people to the airport and time to go missionary clothes shopping!

More Hospital adventures...

This time in rehab. Aunt Tracey (my grandmas daughter) has spent days at her mom's bedside praying and spending time with grandma Bullock.

The day after Tracey leaves the hospital decides she better get to rehab so we can get her walking and doing everyday things again. She still hasn't been home yet and will be in rehab until she gets better. The house is seeming more lonely these days as my parents have been working with nurses and hospitals, family and friends, trying to get things situated with grandma. She is now in a group home under the care of hospice care givers. She's in our hearts and prayers that her faith and the Lord's will will allow her to heal of the pains she is going through at this time.

IT'S A BOY! no no. NOT ME. NIKKI & DOUG ALLEN! That's right. I went to Nikki Allen's baby shower and that night Nikki goes into labor! -Well kind of- 5 weeks early they had to pull the baby out. Everyone is okay. I suppose the Lord answers prayers and puts things in our lives at certain times for a certain reason. Whatever the reason she had Linken Allen early my prayers go out to them at this time. I know they will be the BEST parents that Linken could ever ask for.

Babysitting. In the meantime I've been spending my time in Phoenix watching over my sister Natalie's little boy -Victor Benjamin. Like most people and babies, while we're on the subject, we have our good days and bad but it makes the WHOLE day worth it when I see that one little smile after talking with him.

Foot in my mouth. I've noticed some things I've been saying lately that haven't made much sense. My nerves are getting to me! I've never been more anxious, nervous, excited, about ready to scream, than I am right now in my life.

I'm sorry I've said anything offensive lately you'll have to forgive me as the only thing I've really been focusing on is the "big trip" I have coming up in the next couple weeks.

Connecting ties. I don't really set new years goals until a few weeks in and see what the Lord would like me to do. This year I've noticed the need for friends. As I am nearing the days towards my mission and as I flip through old pictures, numbers, and names I remember some of the BEST times I spent were with friends. Either from Hawaii, Utah, California, Nevada, Arizona, even Peru, Korea, and Russia all my friends have made a difference in my life and have brought me to this point. So I suppose I've been making more of an effort to spend more time with old friends, meeting new friends, and getting to know better the old best friends I once knew. It's been such a wonderful experience and part of me is sorry it's taken me this long to see how amazing some people really are.

SHOPPING SPREE!! kind of. You know me. I like a good shopping adventure. :) Except when you're buying long skirt after long skirt. This has been my one personal adventure to keep me focused on my mission through the hectic weeks. You'd think clothes would steer me off a different kind of path but each new outfit I would try on I would picture a little black name tag on the blouse and would smile to myself. So the shopping adventures are very much worth it! Only two more pairs of shoes and a coat -oh and maybe a couple more cute tops- and I'll be

done.. with the CLOTHES shopping.

Farewell. TO COME. :) For those planning to attend it will be January 31st at 11am in the extension Building. (In Mesa, Arizona)

February 2010....

February 3rd 2010. To the MTC I go! What a crazy life it's led up to this point. OH. if you would like a letter from me... PLEASE send me your address! :)