Just Keep Going

Being a mom is THE HARDEST job in the world.  That has been said for decades among SO MANY.  I never took that statement literal until I had two toddlers of my own.  But being a mom AND dealing with daily mental illness is even harder.  

Having a mental illness, such as depression as I have, has been.... lets just say... a struggle.  One day I'm feeling great and the next it's just a tear streaming, lock myself in the closet and give me all the chocolate kind of day.  I try to be strong, especially since that's my personality type- perfectionist, organizer, but still spontaneous and wanting all to be happy kind of gal.  

I don't have it all figured out.  I don't know if I'll ever have this mental illness thing figured out.  It's as though I have this new identity incorporated in my personality and now I have to learn to work with it.  It started off as postpartum depression (I wrote about that in another blog) but my symptoms keep coming back...and forth and back again.   I have been in denial that this is something that's just going to stick with me for a while and I have to figure out how to work with it, instead of against it.  I had seen a therapist, taken medication for over a year and went off of it again.  I was prescribed again but with having baby number three on the way felt really strongly not to be in medication while pregnant.  I can't deny those promptings and impressions.  So until the baby comes and I feel to get back on medication, everyday I choose to be happy, BUT even when choosing to be happy- hauntings of depression still hang over me.  It's true what they say, depression isn't just "having a bad day"; it's so much more than that.  Anything can really trigger it and it's always on your mind.  

Then there is the religious struggle.  Is this Satan working on me?  Is this my own thoughts?  Everything I grew up with to help build my testimony is challenged when I am faced with a full blown depression episode.  Why doesn't God love me?  Why do I feel so wrong about myself even when I've read the scriptures, said my prayers and did my best to be a "good girl"?  The simple questions of my faith are challenged.  Then on top of that there's the daily struggle of just being a mom.  You know the usual questions and doubts that pop in our heads as moms.  Should my child be doing that?  How can I help them understand better?  I'm not playing with them enough; I'm letting them watch too much TV; they should be eating better... etc etc.  The mom guilt! (That has it's own blog within itself.) 

So where's the balance in it all?  How do I find some kind of solace?  How do I still be a "good mom" and a good ME?  I'm still trying to figure that out.  I also have the internal struggle of really being myself around others.  Come on, no one likes being around a complainer! But when these are the thoughts that haunt you every day and you pray that they'll just go away it's hard to have a normal meaningful conversation with others without being too much.  While still seeking that friendly advice from friends or family around you without sounding like a total hopeless case.  Don't get my wrong I do my best to serve and step out of myself but somedays I just can not.  Depression is an AWFUL illness.  I pray that no one ever has to go through, although I know thousands do.  

That's why I write.  I unload all my thoughts in words that I may not be able to express to those closest to me but hopefully someone out there may benefit from my experience and know they aren't alone.  After all I think that's the BIGGEST tool Satan can use on us is make us feel that we are alone.  This is the thought that sustains me, sometimes in my subconscious thoughts, is that I am NOT alone.  Not only do I have a loving Heavenly Father and an Elder Brother who died for me but there are people, people I may not even know, that struggle everyday with the same struggles I have.  It's nice to hear "I know how you feel" but especially with others experiences accompanying that "I know how you feel" goes a much longer way.  So if you have the same struggles just know I know exactly how you feel and I'd be happy to talk experiences.  I may not have all the answers and this may be something I have to work through for the rest of my life, but it's my trial & for whatever reason the Lord seems to give me to help me learn from.  Until I figure out the why, which may never be answered (and knowing that is hard to swallow) I just keep going because that's all He asks from us in life is to JUST KEEP GOING.  

We got rid of our TV today.

We got rid of our tv today. 

Have you ever thought about tv being an adult binky? Think about it. You're kid is screaming and driving you up the wall, it's the end of the day and all you want to do is sit and relax. You sit on the couch, flip on the tele and the next thing you know it's quiet in the house and you're all sucked into watching two hours of doc mcstuffins. You. The adult you just wasted two hours on a little girl playing doctor on her toys. Sure the kids are quiet and you get to relax so who cares if you waste a little time right? Until that little Netflix screen pops up and says... "continue watching". Aka- continue wasting your day away binge watching??? Then you realize it's been a little more then a couple hours and you still have dishes in the sink, laundry to be put away and activities for the kids that are just loading up on your Pinterest waiting for someone to actually do them. Okay so I talk in third person but this has totally been me! I am as guilty as the next sitting and watching hours of tv with my toddlers. Let's face it- any quiet time with a child is golden! But is tv really the only resort we can put ourselves through? When was the last time you just sat and read a book and your kids got caught up in their imaginations playing dolls or trucks in their room? Give it a try because it actually does happen from time to time. Maybe the tv is a result of us trying to constantly entertain our kids too. We don't have to! Let them play. Let them have their own time so you can escape...maybe to a locked bathroom... and have a little quiet time of your own. 😉

My husband and I have been mulling over this idea of getting rid of the tv ever since we got it. We've established a long time ago that we have 'addictive' behaviors. It's a real thing. Believe me. It's not bad addictions. Don't get me wrong we don't even drink or smoke! But we are ADDICTED to tv. Have you ever been addicted to something that you just needed to quit cold turkey?? That's honestly how we've been feeling. See when my husband and I first got married we were poor. Living off college funds, loans scholarships and grants. Because of our busy schedules in school and our next to nothing pocket books we decided a tv wasn't really an option. Except when we found an old VHS tv by the dump. (Actually we found two! So one had to work- right?!) We hauled that thing from the dump and decided to give it a try. It worked! With having our first child while we were both in school we were stoked to stock up on some cheap classic Disney VHS' available for a buck each at our local thrift store but when we finally moved with our now two kids, got settled in our career, one day out VHS tv just went fuzzy and we forked out the cash to buy a brand new nice big screen tv. I look back now and having that old box tv was the happiest time of our lives! Because it limited our watching and forced us to be social. 

My husband grew up with tv. I mean his dad has since bought a next to 80'' screen tv. Tv was a big deal in their house. (No pun intended. 😉) Same with me. My mom went back to work when I went to kindergarten and my grandma would watch me during the day. Every afternoon I'd have the chance to watch any Disney show I wanted or nick jr. (my parents didn't have cable.) I watched hours of it! My grandma was older and couldn't move around the best so I'm sure it was just easier for her to do that. I established a habit so young. But not pointing fingers this just seems to be the American kind of way. I mean when America first had a tv in their home they gathered around together to watch the Ed Harrison show. Am I right?! I'm sure we can't think of a childhood memory without it being revolved around the popular show at the time. (Rugrats, saved by the bell, the simpsons... etc)

But where do we cross the line? Honestly it's only been a couple days without our tv and it's caused us to do some serious reflecting. What are we going to do with our time? What about Saturday morning cartoon with the kids? Or tv to keep the kids preoccupied while I cook dinner or tv for a date night. The kids have asked me a few times now for their favorite shows. Our youngest isn't yet two and he already has a 'show'?! It's been somewhat sickening to think about life without it. We're we that addicted to it that now we don't know what to do with ourselves?? 

Here's the thing- my husband works nearly 70+ hours a week and i am a stay at home mom. I'm not beating down on any mom out there that gets the long hour thing and just needs a moment to vedge in front of the tele. That's me! And please don't let me sway you but just hear me out why we chose to ditch our tv. 

I'm sure many of you might be familiar with Chip and Joanna Gaines. They have now become small town Waco,Texas celebrities that have their own construction house flipping kind of business. They've really made it big appearing in their own show- fixer upper on HGTV. Anyway. I started reading their book called, the magnolia story. (Very inspiring! You should really get it!) They were given a challenge at the very beginning of their marriage to not have a television to spend quality time with each other. Six months later and still no tv and they didn't really miss it. So thirteen years later and four kids now and they still don't have a tv and I look at them and think - wow!! You guys have accomplished so much!! and they're happy! I mean genuinely happy because they've been able to make so many others happy with their talents! 

One day we'll return to live with God and I hope when that day comes I don't sit there and think wow. Half of my time was spent just sitting on a couch. I really hope I can say I made something of myself and I made something of someone else too! I really hope I can reflect on the lives I've been able to come in contact with, the messes I've made with my kids and the progress I've made within myself. So for me, my time is going to be spent doing something else and not tv. Don't get me wrong- we're not like anti tv now. If something comes up and our friends or family nearby want to watch it we'll go to their place or catch a game at a restaurant or go to movies for a date. It's going to be more of a social gathering for us. OH it's gunna be a HARD adjustment for sure but I think... I really think it'll be worth it. I told my husband the other day that I don't want to be mediocre and if that's the case then I have to make some big changes including how my time is spent. So here goes nothing to spending time in better ways and hopefully I can look back in ten years from now and be proud of who I've become. Hopefully I can say- Life is really worth LIVING and I'm living it! 

Life Changes: Part 2

I just want to preface the ending of this story with a word of caution and my own testimony. I know that the Lord points to where we need to go always. It's really up to us how we're going to make his pointing more apparent in our lives. Sometimes life gets in the way of that and it needs to be cleaned up and fixed so we can see his direction more clearly. That even means seeking medical professional help.

For me the Lord had been there all along. He always is. His atonement didn't just happen so many years ago and died when His mortal body died. No He lives and with that the atonement is a living and breathing thing; a pure love that can lead us back to our Father in Heaven. No matter what pit we are in in life- we CAN get out of it. We can be rescued. We can be helped.

I was in such a pit. I will have you know I wasn't in a pit of deep sin but rather a pit of depression. Yes it took months to finally label it and put a description on what was really going on with Kendilyn. But- just as real as the rain falling from the sky so is depression for the average person, even for me. It took a long time to discover that I had it. I didn't think I'd ever have such an illness and in fact, embarrassing enough as this is to admit, laughed at the fact that people claimed they even had such an illness. I genuinely felt as though mental illnesses were just an excuse for a bad day. Now I know. Now I've been humbled. Mental illnesses ARE real and can be life altering. Something that our finite minds can't fully comprehend but something that is definitely felt. As heard before from another with a mental illness- broken bones can be healed but a mental illness is your core, who you are.

Before I discovered I had depression, perhaps postpartum depression, I would read scriptures after talks and be praying- what was wrong with me? Why isn't the spirit as abundant in my life as it had been? What was I doing wrong? What sin have I committed that was causing this? I could not get answers but more questions after questions. My husband gave me blessings all the while our arguments would increase. What was happening to us? What was happening to our relationship with each other, our family and the Lord? I'm sad to say our arguments never really had an end they just built on top of each other. We didn't really know what the root of the argument or negativity was or where it was going. One thing was for certain- I made a covenant with my Lord and I was going to hunt it out to figure out what was happening. In the midst of studying scriptures and talks and really hunting I stumbled across a talk by Elder Holland entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". It was this talk that for a split moment I felt something? Was the problem with me even deeper then I imagined? I started to study and study his talk. He was talking to me!

Like a Broken Vessel

I had turned to my husband and exclaimed, maybe I should go talk with the bishop. That was the first step. Jeremy was extremely hesitant with it. I can't say I don't blame him. I too was once incredibly skeptical of the whole idea of mental illnesses. My claim to possibly having a mental illness was completely from left field. After all it was me we were talking about! It could never happen to me! More scriptures and prayer would be his advice towards me. Which in the past had fixed the majority of any issue. Finally after some prayer and a little bit of fasting and a lot of discussion it was time for me to set up an appointment with the bishop. With a formal setting with the bishop he sent his deepest regrets, told me I was to be released and immediately referred me to a therapist. Jeremy again received confirmation for me and this path as he began to see my progress. We were both humbled that this was a real issue.

On my first meeting with the therapist I was asked to fill out a questionnaire. The last question asked me what I liked about myself. I remember tears gushing out of my eyes as I couldn't think of one thing! It was in this moment that I finally realized I was genuinely unhappy with not only life but myself. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere, like I couldn't breath. Something was genuinely wrong and I felt as though I was in the bottom of a self dug pit. What had I done to myself and my spirit?

The truth of the matter is if you are faced with depression or any other mental illness you didn't "do it to yourself". Sure there are some things that can be applied and somethings that can help you "square your shoulders" but ultimately you didn't put it on yourself. You need to know that! I needed to know that. I didn't cause this to myself I was faced with about 5+ life alterring changes at once and unfortunately it affected who I was.

As therapy progressed and some things were applied it was suggested that I go see my family doctor to be perscribed for an anti depressant. I again felt put off a bit. I thought I was doing great without the medication and although I was perscribed refused to take it for a bit. "pills are a bad thing. They make you a bad person!" Those were the thoughts in my head and to admit I was taking them to anyone would make me less of a person. I was about to throw them away when I literally had the worst week yet. There was no hope that week and I found myself watching a little TOO much TV and not motivated to do anything. I digressed and needed help to get back on track. After a little prayer and self talking to I decided I needed to go ahead and take them. It was the best choice yet! It took a lot of humbling and a lot of faith but I am so glad I did. Results came within just a few weeks. Many weeks and a couple months later I finally felt happy. I haven't felt this "at peace" for almost a year. My husband turned to me about a month ago and said, "You're Kendilyn again!" I felt it too.

I met with my therapist for the last time this past week and as I got to her office she said, "you're glowing! You look great." Our meeting was shorter and ulitmately we both decided that I was back on track. I did not schedule a return appointment and as I left that day I never felt happier. I've reached some resolve in my life. I was back on track! I was me again.

This was a long journey and often when we're faced with a trial we receive some type of reassurance that things will be okay. My reassurance didn't come until almost 10 months later but it did come. I almost gave up hope a couple times. I wanted to crawl in a corner and give up everything in life. I felt as though someone could play "me" better! I remember feeling useless and unworthy and extremely unproductive. I was just going through day to day and there was nothing to get me to the next day. It was an awful feeling and doing any small task seemed almost impossible. What gave me hope in the end and even just to go through those awful days was that I did have a family, a family who loved me and cared about me and a family who depended on me. I had to remind myself of that often. It wasn't until the end of finding a resolve that I again felt the hope of the atonement in my life. And it was okay! I needed to understand for myself that mental illness was a real thing. This was a real thing people go through. This is something that people need to seek professional help for! God was guiding me through this healing process and although he wasn't as visible in times past looking back now I realize He had been there every step of the way. He helped soften my husbands heart about the idea of a mental illness, he gave time for me to sit down and have a legitimate conversation with my bishop. He guided me right to a therapist who was trustworthy and faith promoting. He led me to a doctor who was personal and helpful. Most importantly he had helped me feel joy again in my life and allowed my testimony to increase in charity, compassion and helped me realize the ultimate healing power comes from the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.

I feel for those who struggle with real mental illnesses. I advise you to seek help! If you are LDS go to your bishop, counsel with him and he most likely can guide you to a professional who can help you. Most importantly- get help! It's not worth feeling lost everyday. We are all loved by a Father in Heaven who cares for us and need to feel that love in our lives. Afterall "Adam fell that men migh be and men are that they might have JOY!"

Life Change: Part One

First off.  I'm not a blogger.  Sometimes I want to be and then reality sets in and I realize I have just about enough time for the essentials of life and that's about it.  But occasionally I get the prompting to write and not just in my journal but in a blog.  In my blog.

I'm not a professional writer.  That's obvious.  But I do have my own story and that's what brings me here.  I have a total of about 15 started blogs over the past year and I figured it's finally time to buckle down and press the "publish" button.  I'm not writing my story to get "attention" or "likes" but rather for someone who can relate that needs to hear some words of encouragement.  Because about a year ago I could have used those words myself.

As you can see, or maybe you haven't, I haven't written in my blog for over 4 years now.  Before that I wasn't much into it either.  I've made excuse after excuse after excuse why NOT to write.  Letting strangers in your personal life was one of those.  I warn those who've already come this far in reading- Please don't judge me.  I'm only sharing my story to help others who maybe have gone through the same experience or GOING through this experience to seek hope.

Enough jib jab, just get to the point!  So a little over a year ago I finally graduated college!  I say finally because I graduated high school in 2006.  Now you do the math.  Yes it took me a long time but I did take some personal time in there, ie."figuring myself out" and some time for the Lord, ie. a mission.  But I finally buckled down and I finally graduated.  I guess it took getting married and having a child to finally put that diploma in my hands.  I am ever so grateful for finally making it and finally getting through to the end.  (That whole "education story" is for another time!)  But as I grabbed my diploma and as the next semester started it hit me that I wouldn't be joining the thousands on campus that morning.  I would be at home.  At home with my almost terrible two year old and pregnant.  I found myself a little bit lost.  Okay let's be honest people- a LOT lost.  What was I suppose to do with my time?? And how was I suppose to be "a mother"??  I didn't go to school to get a "mother degree"!  I knew that this was going to be the goal though.  This is what my husband and I talked about was our plan.  My plan.  I wanted to be there for our children and watch them grow up.  I didn't know what that meant.  I still don't fully know what that means.

Our plan was to have Jeremy finish in the end of July, take the GRE in the summer break, work in the fall, have Jeremy work on campus in the winter while we waited to here to what school we were going to next.  I was ready for that journey.  In fact I was excited about it!  After all with my many years of school you'd think I'd want to be done with it but it was life I was comfortable with, one that I actually really enjoyed.

July came around and so did the birth of our new baby boy Timothy, Jeremy's school was done and the blessing of Timothy had just happened.  Jeremy's family was in town and that's where the conversations began.  "Why don't you work with your dad Jeremy?"  For whatever reason this question was coming up more and more!  It wasn't even from Jeremy's family -it was from the Lord.  It was from Jeremy.  So discussions were being made and plans were being put into place.  The GRE was cancelled and literally less then a month we were moving to CA to have Jeremy work with his Dad for his Uncle's company.  I was leery of the idea, however I felt enough of a push that what we were doing was okay and right.  I knew I needed faith to just accept and move forward.

That's where our story really begins.  New baby, new career, new friends, new area, new ward, new surroundings, new. new. new.  Well you get the idea.  I was not really ready for new.  I accepted this "change" but I was REALLY emotionally ready for the change.  And looking back, there was really no other way.  It's what needed to happened and how it needed to happen.

There is something you need to know about me, if you don't already.  I have had a lot of last minute life decisions after high school that have lead me to some pretty amazing circumstances including school in Hawaii, new friends/job in Utah and a mission in Oregon.  All of which followed the same pattern of the Lord just telling me to go for it and me stepping completely into the dark.  There is no exception to that same pattern as this was at this time for me and our family.  I guess I just assumed that this time would have been different, I also expected that every other time.  I've learned now not to expect certain things from the way the Lord SHOULD work with you.  He's your Father after all, not the other way around.

So here we are in CA with a lot of "new".  My little Idaho bubble was popped and suddenly I'm very much in the world.  Again, I figured the transition would be easy.  I got a calling in our ward pretty quickly, felt very welcomed by some family and new ward family.  It should be comfortable after all.  But you guessed it! It was not.  It was not an easy adjustment.  I think the hardest adjustment of it all was the fact that my husband was out working almost 60 hour weeks when I was so used to seeing
him half the day everyday.  I felt disconnected and really alone.  I think my hope was starting to drain.  My happiness was numb.  I had an infant and toddler who depended on my every move and I didn't even feel like the Lord was walking with me in my new journey.

My hope had gone numb. My testimony, my happiness and in reality "kendilyn" had gone missing.  I was lost and I didn't know how to get back.

Things as They Really Are

This week for my family foundations class we've been asked to track our media time online for two weeks. We had to set a goal for ourselves too. I decided I would do a facebook fast for two weeks. So far I've been facebook free for two days. Being facebook free has really been a blessing! I've been able to accomplish a lot more. I've spent just as much time on the computer however, due to homework and projects. It's been amazing however to be more consciously aware of the time I've been spending online.

Computers seem to consume our lives these days. If we aren't on the computer, we're on our phones, if we aren't on our phones we're on our ipods. What would a day be like if the world didn't have ANY technology connected to their ears, fingers, or eyes? What if we put it all away and just stopped and looked at the people around us and had heartfelt conversations with strangers more? How would this impact our souls? I would challenge each of you to just try for a day if you're walking to and fro places to put away your technology and look around you. Who needs a friendly smile or a simple hello? Maybe you need the time to ponder and rest your brain from all the radio waves you just put in your brain.

Our teacher shared this clip with us and I realized how grateful I was I didn't have an iphone. :) Don't get me wrong, technology can do us a lot of good but like all good things come a good balance. I am grateful for these next two weeks I'll have to track my media time and to use my time for something else good.

True Friendship.

Last week... We got a little intense in FHE. The loser of spoons had to have a bad posted picture on facebook for the week. Unfortunately, Marrisa Lewis lost. (See picture to the left.) But we love her.

In fact, I just wanted to say how much I love every single one of my roommates. Okay, not just my roommates this semester but last semester as well.

(That picture is of us roasting marshmallows in our room over a toaster. YUM! -OH. homemade marshmallows, EVEN-BETTER!)

I have been so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life. Looking back I've needed all my roommates for a reason at that time. I've grown so much from every one of them. Of course I would include my companions in the same boat. These girls (companions/roommates) have taught me everything I've needed to learn. Everything from the power of a good workout to the true meaning of charity. I've had roommates that have come from every background possible, outside of the church and in and each one of them have shaped me a little bit better. I just wanted to express my love for my roommates and friends around. I can't express enough gratitude to them and to my Father in Heaven for sending good people in my life.

Today I was bearing my testimony in Relief Society and as I glanced around I thought, "wow. you are my sister." Of course I don't know everyone by their names or even what's in their hearts but they are my sisters.

I've just been feeling very blessed lately in life. There have been some intense trials since I've been home from my mission but not anything I haven't be able to overcome by help of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe the Lord helped a bit too, by sending me wonderful people while I've had the chance to adjust back to the college life.

While we are on the note of true friendships. I am reminded of the scripture, "No man hath greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." The Savior is the truest friend we could ever have. He lives! & He loves us. He has provided his life as a sacrifice for our return and an example to follow. The gospel of Jesus Christ is very real and is the tool to help us return home someday. Thank HEAVENS for the scriptures because they indeed help us on this path. They are true in every way possible. As we read from them we can learn more about the Savior and about how to pattern after his life. The power of prayer is very real. He hears us when we pray to Him and listens. He loves us and wants to hear from us.

Oh gosh! It's just great to be alive on this earth at this time and to experience these blessings in mortality!

Mundane Mondays

New week.

I got off the phone with my sister, whom I feel I haven't talked with in ages tonight and realized tomorrow is Monday. How do the weeks and weekends just FLY by?? I am so sad that it's another week tomorrow but anxious at the same time. As this new week begins I have a lot of thoughts already about my newer surroundings.

SO many mixed emotions can make any child's head pop....off. But I'm keeping it together. Sadly this semester of classes is not what I want it to be. There have been so many opinions thrown at me about my major and it's making me insane. The best advice I got was from my bishop a couple weekends ago. He told me to do what I love to do. I am excited because I realized the only thing I REALLY love doing is designing; basically I love anything with art. I've decided to go back to interior design so right now I'm waiting and finishing up my application process for the program. UNfortunately I won't be able to get into the program until the fall and then it will be 4 years until it's done. Any practical person might be thinking that this is the worst idea yet. BUT I've decided to chase my dream and passion, no matter how long it might take. I want to do what I love.

Another evaluation I've observed about myself lately. I keep taking everyone else's advice instead of listening to my heart and mind and the spirit more. I'm trying this out more lately. I know I've been given this special gift and I just need to use it (agency that is!). I think I'm so nervous to test the waters that I don't even take a chance at times. How do you know if you don't even try. So I'm taking a chance with different experiences right now... ie. dating, friendships, school, etc. I'm excited to see where my path will lead this semester. I know if anything I will learn and grow more and that's all I hope for! :)

The Case of the Ticking Fan.

I feel a bit a bit melodramatic tonight. It's been a LONG day! Good day but long day. I start my days at about 630. I have work at 8. Then I have classes until about 630. That's not including the time for homework. "Back up plans" are lunch and dinner lately. I feel a bit drained. Someone asked me this question the other day: "what do you do for fun?" FUN!?? I thought in my head. There's no time for fun! haha. One word: PATHETIC! Something has GOT TO change.

Lately I've been feeling a bit stagnant and wondering why. Perhaps all RM's go through this phase. Where they've experienced this mighty change and then they have to go back to life and the daily mundane things. Perhaps when we get down on ourselves we're dwelling too much on the past regrets and not enough on the future and what we could be and what we can do.

There's this quote from President Monson," The past is behind, learn from it; the future is ahead, prepare for it; the present is now, live in it."

I think I'd like to set a new goal for myself: try to have more fun. Start living life and enjoying it!

I'll just end on this story tonight:

Speaking of enjoyment... tonight our fan has been ticking pretty loud. My roommate and I are both getting ready to lay down in bed and the noise just gets louder. We both

perked up and stuff starts falling down from out of the fan. We both screamed and turn on the light and stare at this fan. The first thought that comes to our minds: "Must be a bat!" Yup! That's right.

There's a bat in our little fan. Must be. That seemed like the most logical answer for both of us. The fan ticking got louder and I looked over to notice Chelsie had tucked herself a bit more underneath her covers. "Are you worried that something is gunna come fly out at you?" Her response: "‎Have you ever thrown a sock at a fan? I used to do that all the time."

After some careful study... DUST. Dust was falling from out of our fan. Now we can safely

go to bed. ((except Chelsie is now googling bat pictures and will now have nightmares...))

I'm glad I could end my night with a laugh.

wow.

Here's to taking off a heavy brick and...

Shaking the dust off this old thing and trying to put it to use.

I'm living in Idaho now! I'm back from my mission, but if you are my friend... which you are if you're reading this, then you already know that! :)

I've been in Rexburg for almost a month now. Lots of new things are happening. I love my new roommates and I'm already getting to know so many people. Our ward is super nice and I feel like one of the older ones but I am learning so much from everyone. oh. My roommate Amanda took Chelsie and I for a little "photoshoot" last weekend and so here are some of the pics from that...

I have had a lot of confusing choices since I've been home from my mission, I feel like an adult being reborn. Lots to learn all over again I feel. It's mixing the new things from what I learned on my mission with the old things what I did before my mission. To name a few... dating, talking to people, SCHOOL, managing time in a new kind of way.

School has been one of the hardest. Not because the classes are hard, although not the easiest, BUT I have been so confused about what to do. I think I changed my major 5 times since I've been home from my mission. I feel SUPER pathetic when everyone kept asking me what I'm doing with my life. I had never felt so lost. Possibly because I just miss my mission so much that I would just want to teach the gospel the rest of my life. I vote they give you a degree for missionary work. :) Wouldn't that be nice? Art Education, Interior design, nursing, health science. Those are just a few of my top majors I want to do. Hmm. To make a LONG story less boring... I decided the health profession wasn't for me. I like staying healthy, and helping others that can't help themselves, but it's not my passion. I love art. I love creating and I love making others happy in the process. After talking with my bishop last week I realized I wasn't REALLY happy doing health science. Although good and practical I needed to follow my passion and my dream. -No matter how long or tedious it may be to finish-. Although dreams and passions are never really satisfied, right? I think they just keep getting fulfilled the more we learn about them.

Okay stay on topic kendilyn. -Rambling is something I'm good at these days!-

Well I changed my petition and signed it up for interior design. At first they were telling me I couldn't do it ...at the beginning of the day. At the end of the day I had my petition signed for and now it's just a matter of getting into the program. I pray I do! I am excited for this change. The whole day I felt so much joy. I'll get to create in school! I know it's going to be hard and will probably eat my life away but SO worth it. Most may say this is the dumbest idea they ever heard of, for me to start over basically in school but I think in the long run it'll be something I enjoy doing. I guess I'm just meant to stay in school.

Dating. Another topic we single mid 20-year old's hate discussing. There's so much pressure on us these days that I think we avoid it all together. However. I have been dating quite a bit since I've been off the mish. No big fireworks yet, And no. No proposals or anything crazy although there's been a lot of memorable experiences... some of the best dates. I had my first date in Rexburg tonight. Suprisingly it was a lot of fun. My roommates had been teasing me all week because... well I'm not sure. It's just what girls do. We went singing at stadium singing (tons of people get together to sing under neath the bleechers), had hot coco and then walked around near the stadium and then back to my house. Not to get too deep here but I told him it doesn't matter what you do with a person, as long as you're in good company. I want that to be my theme, not just in dating but in life. Doesn't matter the place or the objective, but just as long as you're in good company! He asked me out again... so stay tuned.

I got a calling today: ward compassionate service leader. I'm really excited for it. I felt a prick in my heart when I got the calling. I knew it came from the Lord. I'm excited to serve and to have an excuse to do it. I think it'll be good to help the girls break from their shells and get to know each other a bit more. :) I hope I can fulfill the calling well.

I'm looking forward to all these new experiences this semester. I pray I can press forward with faith.

Out with The Old, In with The New

Okay. I suppose it's been a while since my last post but LOTS has been happening. So to catch up I'll start backwards a little bit...

Thanksgiving 2009.

LOTS of people joined the feast that was hosted at my brother Trevor's with his wife Lauren. (to name a few... Gwen and Bob Evans -providing most of the food- Stacey, then we had many hale 2 guests and The Ellsworths -Jason, Michelle and Deacon -etc etc.)

December 2009

First, Saying my final goodbyes with some night outs on the bus to kaneohe and kahuku. :)

Jason's graduation! -followed by a delicious lunch provided by kahuku grill. Thank you President Hanneman!!!

Packing up (or lack-there-of)and saying goodbye to Hale 5, friends, even some family. -And of course...THE BEACH!

I guess it didn't hit me so much that I was never coming back to this beautiful place -Hawaii- to live again until these last couple weeks!

Taking out my endownments. The day after Christmas... here we go! I was set to go in the temple. I was so... ready. I wanted to go so bad. I think I was a little blown away at first but when I got to the celestial room to see my mom waiting there with her arms stretched out and then seeing each family member greet me. Words can't describe the LOVE that my Heavenly Father blessed me with. I wouldn't pick another family to spend eternity with.

Hospital Adventures! If you want to call them that...

Grandma Bullock (92) likes to be the center of attention. Unfortunately she came out with a bang, right on her hip. So the day before the wedding -in the midst of running around for Nikki's wedding- we receive a text that grandma Bullock has fallen pretty hard and was off to the ER. More to come!

The Olave Wedding! What an eventful weekend. The minute I got off the plane it was "LET'S GO WEDDING RECEPTION LAST MINUTE SHOPPING!"

It's taken me a while to finally realize what was going on the minute I started zipping up my bridesmaid dress. Not to mention the song I was scheduled to sing but had not practiced until ...well.... that night.

But I think it turned out well. Not to mention, seeing my sister in a wedding gown with the biggest grin of america. One word: STUNNING. She was absolutely GORGEOUS!! And I'm so lucky to have another amazing brother-in-law.

Oh. And we did a little celebrating afterwards. :) mmm. In-and-out!!

New Years Eve with a long time friend... AMBER and SO lucky to have spent it with Ashley Reader as well, then of course there was my brother and all that boys. First we went to Gameworks and then Jesse Larson's parents house. We all thought it was pretty interesting to have a random black man stumble in our driveway bonfire.. but the dance moves he did for us on a tarp in the middle of a road were SO worth it! :)

Let January 2010 begin.

Well everyone's gone. JUST-LIKE-THAT. So it's taking down the Christmas tree, taking people to the airport and time to go missionary clothes shopping!

More Hospital adventures...

This time in rehab. Aunt Tracey (my grandmas daughter) has spent days at her mom's bedside praying and spending time with grandma Bullock.

The day after Tracey leaves the hospital decides she better get to rehab so we can get her walking and doing everyday things again. She still hasn't been home yet and will be in rehab until she gets better. The house is seeming more lonely these days as my parents have been working with nurses and hospitals, family and friends, trying to get things situated with grandma. She is now in a group home under the care of hospice care givers. She's in our hearts and prayers that her faith and the Lord's will will allow her to heal of the pains she is going through at this time.

IT'S A BOY! no no. NOT ME. NIKKI & DOUG ALLEN! That's right. I went to Nikki Allen's baby shower and that night Nikki goes into labor! -Well kind of- 5 weeks early they had to pull the baby out. Everyone is okay. I suppose the Lord answers prayers and puts things in our lives at certain times for a certain reason. Whatever the reason she had Linken Allen early my prayers go out to them at this time. I know they will be the BEST parents that Linken could ever ask for.

Babysitting. In the meantime I've been spending my time in Phoenix watching over my sister Natalie's little boy -Victor Benjamin. Like most people and babies, while we're on the subject, we have our good days and bad but it makes the WHOLE day worth it when I see that one little smile after talking with him.

Foot in my mouth. I've noticed some things I've been saying lately that haven't made much sense. My nerves are getting to me! I've never been more anxious, nervous, excited, about ready to scream, than I am right now in my life.

I'm sorry I've said anything offensive lately you'll have to forgive me as the only thing I've really been focusing on is the "big trip" I have coming up in the next couple weeks.

Connecting ties. I don't really set new years goals until a few weeks in and see what the Lord would like me to do. This year I've noticed the need for friends. As I am nearing the days towards my mission and as I flip through old pictures, numbers, and names I remember some of the BEST times I spent were with friends. Either from Hawaii, Utah, California, Nevada, Arizona, even Peru, Korea, and Russia all my friends have made a difference in my life and have brought me to this point. So I suppose I've been making more of an effort to spend more time with old friends, meeting new friends, and getting to know better the old best friends I once knew. It's been such a wonderful experience and part of me is sorry it's taken me this long to see how amazing some people really are.

SHOPPING SPREE!! kind of. You know me. I like a good shopping adventure. :) Except when you're buying long skirt after long skirt. This has been my one personal adventure to keep me focused on my mission through the hectic weeks. You'd think clothes would steer me off a different kind of path but each new outfit I would try on I would picture a little black name tag on the blouse and would smile to myself. So the shopping adventures are very much worth it! Only two more pairs of shoes and a coat -oh and maybe a couple more cute tops- and I'll be

done.. with the CLOTHES shopping.

Farewell. TO COME. :) For those planning to attend it will be January 31st at 11am in the extension Building. (In Mesa, Arizona)

February 2010....

February 3rd 2010. To the MTC I go! What a crazy life it's led up to this point. OH. if you would like a letter from me... PLEASE send me your address! :)

The Silver Linings on My Grey Clouds

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecc. 3:1

Opening my mission call.

My mission call to Portland, Oregon.

Girl chats with my roommate.

A time to reflect on what I'm grateful for.

Creating Cards.

Waking up for Missionary Preparation with President Wheelwright.

Having the beach just a ten minute walk away.

Service.

Words from ancient prophets close to my finger tips.

Trevor,Lauren and Jason and Michelle moments away.

Afternoons/Mornings with Deacon Kai Ellsworth and mommy.

The Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, coming to Laie, HI.

Pouring rain while laying in my bed taking naps.

Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes and warm homemade rolls.

Gathering around a table with family in friends.

Eating late with friends in the kitchen.

Oreos and Milk.

Knelling in prayer at any time of day.

Saying "ALOHA" to a stranger.

Finally deciding my major.

Starting my major when I come home from my mission.

Being creative.

Breathing fresh air.

"Mahalo!"

Missionary moments.

Finally meeting Victor Benjamin Holman.

December 26th.

The David and Nikki Olave Wedding.

Christmas with the family.

A month to spend with my parents before my mission.

Entering the MTC on February 3, 2010.

You are assigned to labor in the....

OREGON PORTLAND (English Speaking) MISSION!!!

I opened my call on Friday October 30th with some of my family, some on speakerphone, and some of my friends in Hawaii!(That's my brother Trevor that served in Oregon and my brother Josh is on the phone there with him.)

You can watch me opening my call here.
My brother Josh kept asking me what was going through my head. I just said, NOTHING! I have no idea. I'm just anxious. That's the truth. Not much goes through your head when you find out. It's been a letter I've been waiting to receive for MONTHS now and I was just excited to prepare for the next step! As I've received my call I've been doing a lot of "googling" ...."Portland, Oregon", "Portland, OR Mission" ETC. There have been a few blogs I've run into which say they're going to portland oregon on their mission, disappointed is one of the first emotions described. DISAPPOINTED!??? How can people put that about a mission the Lord has called them too. Where apostles pray over where to send you and Heavenly father gives them direct revelation on where they will be needed the most. There are NO coincidences in the gospel. We're sent where we are suppose to go for a reason. HOW EXCITING!! I actually consider going to my brother's mission a tender mercy. I feel like there is someone there to teach that wasn't ready when my brother was there and now I get that opportunity. Perhaps my brother and I had a friend in heaven that we said we would find and baptize that my brother wasn't able to find. Now I get that opportunity. Or perhaps this will just give me an opportunity to draw closer to my brother in our testimonies about missionary work. For whatever reason... I know I have been called there for a purpose. I AM SO EXCITED!
It was great to have friends and family there while I opened my call. (Especially to have my mom in town this weekend!) I'm so thrilled for this next step in my life and pray that my brothers and sisters in portland will except my companion and me in their house and that they will accept Jesus Christ and his gospel in their lives.

Thank you EVERYONE for helping me get thus far in my life! :)

¡Mi llamada estará en el miercoles!! :)

My call will be in on Wednesday!!
I'm so excited!!! I meet with the stake president tomorrow night and then he'll put my calling in. He told me that they process my paperwork and it will take 10-14 days. SO FAST! Except it'll probably feel like forever! I feel like Christmas will come early this year! Part of me is hoping that my call will come sooner than later because my mom is coming out the end of the month.

I calculated it and the latest that I would get my calling would be (if we're talking business days) October 26th. My mom will come out the 29th. Just a couple days of waiting to open it while she's here! Although it may seem stressful to wait. I think I could contain myself for a couple days... maybe.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I am actually more excited to go through the temple! I can not WAIT to take out my endowments and finally be able to go through the temple on my own. I'm looking forward to the day to see all my family together in white. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking it.

What a busy/crazy year this has been for me and for my family! Two of my sisters are going to be due here at anytime, my other sister is getting married and I will be getting a mission call! My mom is probably going insane. :)

Oh this is more for my family but... SAVE THE DATE... As soon as I get my mission call and speak with my stake president I'll call the mesa temple but I'm pretty sure that I'll be taking out my endowments on December 26th! (I know, that's right in the middle of things but I get in to Arizona on the 23rd and this was the only day that really was free on the temple calendar before Nikki's wedding. So I'm extending an informal invite to my brothers and sisters & in-laws that anyone that wants to join me for taking out my endowments that day is welcome to join me in white!)

I'm praying that I get sent somewhere where the Lord needs me. Where I can use my talents to the greatest of my ability. Some place that will be challenging but still attainable to do the work. Somewhere were I will meet people that only I can help. I pray that the Lord is preparing them as he has been preparing me that when I meet them we may both be edified and rejoice together! I'm going to find my brothers and sisters that have been waiting to enter into the covenant. I am getting nervous and satan has been doing all he can to stop this from happening for me but I feel like with the Lord's help that I have been SO greatly blessed! I am so anxious for these next steps in my life, for the blessings that will come to me and my family as we both prepare together. SO EXCITING!!! :) These next few months are going to be crazy but also amazing!! I look forward to the preparations and the next steps in life!

Oh and my dad challenged us to read the Book of Mormon and so for me I'm challenging myself to reread it and finish it before I go to the temple! I am praying that with this challenge that the Lord will bless me and that I in return to be able to better prepare myself. Anyone who's going to the temple with me is more than welcome to join in the challenge! :)

YOU Are a Child of God.

You... YES YOU -are a child of God.

I've been learning a lot of valuable lessons in the deepest effect possible that has helped me realize the very nature of god, who we are and what we can become. The greatest lesson I've been learning is our time here on earth is precious and that we literally are sons and daughters of God. The Lord has been blessed me with a lot of trials some that others have experienced that I have been able to see through their eyes while I told their hand. Other trials have literally been when I was in the very flames of satan. Through each of these I've seen the hand of God in my life. This is the beauty of life. Our savior is aware of what we can handle and what we must go through to know who we are and know who he is, to better appreciate the foundation of life, the atonement.

This weekend I had a scare as one of my close friends/residents decided to overdose. Through the events that took place all within 6 hours of going to hospital, etc I was shocked at the effect it would have on her best friend and her. I didn't know how to comfort or how to take in all that was going on. When I sat there staring at my friend in the hospital bed the spirit hit me very strong and one word came to mind, pray. I prayed my hardest for comfort for the friends around her and for the health of my friend. I prayed that she would realize who she is and just prayed that we would all get through it. As I finished the prayer I looked up and wiped the tears from my eyes. My eyes turned to my friends frail body in the bed and I noticed that she started to speak. She started to talk a lot to her friends around her, she started to regain consciousness. The first lesson I learned that day was the power of prayer. Through the remainder of the weekend and the events that followed I realized her actions had a huge effect on her friends around her. I realized she didn't know the effects it would have and I realized how much the lord loves us. As she was released from the hospital and came into my room I sat her down and spoke boldly.

"The Lord loves you. You are a daughter of God." The rest of what I spoke about is history. The fine and minor details of the story seep into the cracks as I think about the main lesson that was being taught during this whole experience. You are a child of God. What does that mean?? The very beauty of the Gospel is that we are children of our heavenly father. Christ himself knows what its like when a person thinks sucicidal thoughts. He knows what it's like to be hooked up to IVs. He knows the thoughts and pains that a friend goes through watching their friend laying helplessly in a hospital bed. The atonement is real. It is only through the atonement that we can realize who we are and what we can become. Our Savior has great faith and courage in us. We need to do our part and believe in ourselves.

Sometimes we are put through the refiner's fire so that we may appreciate the savior's hand in our life. Through this whole experience I have also realized that EVERY soul is great in the sight of God. Without him we are nothing. With him we are everything. The atonement is real and we can become like our savior someday, only through him. Whatever that takes, we will be able to someday be like him. The idea of this is POWERFUL! ....WHAT A WEEKEND!!!

I Hope They Call Me On A Mission

For those who aren't aware yet, I'm getting ready to go on a mission!

This semester has been extremely hard for me only because I was focusing on mission papers more than my school and work. I'm afraid I didn't try my best this term but, I think the end results will be well worth it when I open my mailbox in a few weeks and see my call waiting for me!

About a 4 years ago upon praying about a serious relationship I received a strong desire to serve in the Lord's kingdom and becoming a missionary instead. As the years have passed my desire has grown even stronger. One year ago I prayed about leaving Utah to go home and start preparing for a mission, the Lord however had other goals in mind. I instead went to LDSBC and when Christmas came I thought a mission was the next thing to do. However once again the Lord had other plans in mind. The Lord saw fit for me to learn the importance of his time. Over the next semester I fear I've become my worst enemy, Prideful and stubborn. I wanted to serve so bad and wasn't paying attention to the Lord's timing. I was focusing on my own timing in life. During an adventurous semester I went home for a weekend and received a blessing from my grandfather. The blessing was powerful and encouraging inviting me to have the spirit in my life and to continue to endure. I started to live my life in Salt Lake. When the semester came to an end I was so lost of what to do next. Over a lot of moving within the next 3 months I found myself in Hawaii! Not sure about my major or if a mission was even in the picture anymore. I decided to seriously consider my options that were ahead. I prayed and fasted and started thinking mission thoughts again.

One Sunday as my brother laid his hands on my head the spirit worked within my heart, and even into my tears. I began to rejoice as if I heard the voice of the Lord saying "my dear and faithful servant" the spirit worked so powerfully within me, now was my time to start preparing for a mission. Oh the power of priesthood! I will never forget that blessing, the spirit that I felt. Little did I know that Satan also began to develop plans of his own. My brother gave me a warning to my decision as he said satan would work hard on me for the next couple weeks. Soon I found out that would be an understatement!

For the last few weeks I've been working earnestly to get paperwork done. Once again I have been tested with the "lord's timing" and the trial of patience. When I get on my knees to pray I feel comforted. When I exclaim to others that I will be serving a full time mission the spirit fills my heart. I know that the Lord is aware of me. I know that the Satan is trying his hardest to keep me from spreading the work that needs to be done. But, I also know that no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing.

I have received my answer to serve the Lord and I anxiously look forward to entering the mission field. It will be a tough next few months as I anxiously leave for my mission but I know that it will be of most rewarding to me.
My current status?? I finished my mission papers! I spoke with my bishop on sunday and he will then forward his recommendation to my stake president. I will then meet with my stake president and he will submit my mission papers to church headquarters. I wrote him an e-mail yesterday and he said after my mission papers are submitted it should take up to 10-14 days to receive my mission call. I hope that that means I'll be receiving my mission call by the end of the month or at the beginning of October!

Please pray for me that the next few months go smoothly for me as I will continue to pray for you. I will let everyone know my mission call soon! :)

Working. Waiting. Willing.

The Lord brings us low so he can lift us high.

There has been huge trials in my life lately, mostly with patience. After receiving an answer to my prayers lately and trying to follow it out I've been blessed with trials. I'm slowly becoming humbled. You might think it's funny that I say "blessed with trials" but let me explain.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you just simply asked for something and received it without out working for it? Isn't this the same principle of stealing? It's not just a law on earth to work for what we need, it comes from God. After receiving answers to prayers we need to work, or act upon our answers. A couple deciding to get married doesn't just decide to get married and that's the end of their happy lives. Although at times watching "Cinderella" and "The Little Mermaid" I thought that happily ever after meant just that. No. Since when did "work" become just a bad word anyway? We can have fun working. We can have building each other up and helping and serving each other all the while doing it.

I am grateful for this waiting period in my life right now because the Lord is blessing me an opportunity to keep studying out the decision in my mind, preparing, and a time for repentance. The Lord gives us a waiting period in life or a "work" period in life so we can be even more grateful when the blessing(s) come! It may be going to the temple together with your fiance after a long engagement, wedding preparation period. It may be that new missionary checking the mail and finding their call in the mailbox after a month of reopening their mailbox. It may even be that moment that a new mother screams "my water broke!" after a 9 month period of swelling feet or restless sleep nights.

Whatever the situation in life the Lord prepares us. Or at least gives us the time to prepare ourselves. The feeling with each of these situations we become even more grateful when we are able to look back at the "HARDEST TIMES" and think to ourselves, "Well. That wasn't so bad!"

Life may be hard right now but the waiting period is worth it. The preparation period is worth it. There is a scripture in Alma that reads "Go forth... yet ye shall be patient in long suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good example unto them in me." We must be examples of Christ during times of affliction or during our "waiting periods" of life. Then finally when that time comes where our pride is humbled, when we've laid down our guards, the lord will say "well done". There is no greater feeling than to know you could have done all that you could.

The Lord will bless us when we least expect it but we have to be willing to work during the waiting period and willing to come unto Him in the end.

Speed Dating, ice cream, rain, FUN FUN FUN!

It's been a while. but. HERE I AM!! IN HAWAII!!! (AND it's been pouring rain all day! So much for the beach!)

I'm working as an RA right now and I've just set up a program for next week.

SPEED DATING!!! These little hoodlums better come and enjoy this activity!! I put a bold emphasis on the words "root beer floats and cookies" :)

I'm looking forward to this next week for this activity and to start really focusing on school. I've realized something lately and I'm excited to finalize plans so that I can start telling people. STAY TUNED! I've been feeling so happy lately, I can't complain. I've been meeting a lot of fun girls and look forward to my classes. There has been one class that's kinda scared me lately so I decided I needed to change my attitude. It's been a humbling experience for me. As soon as I changed my attitude I started learning so much! It's actually the class I'm looking forward to the most. Tomorrow I have all day off so some of us girls are planning on running errands all over "exploring hawaii" I'm looking forward to it! AND I'm off to lunch. Hope everyone is having a happy day as well!

oh. found this picture the other day on my laptop. (me and mom right before our trip to hawaii!) MISS YOU MOM!! LOVE YOU!!

New Places. New Faces

I don't know how to gather my thoughts yet but, it's official, I'm living in Hawaii now. I've just moved into my dorm this afternoon and am NOT living out of a suitcase anymore. Thank heavens.

I started training for my new job today which goes on until Tuesday. There are various levels of how strict or not strict we need to be with our new job and the level of importance we are, amongst other things. In all honesty I can't help but be a little uneasy, nervous, overwhelmed. I feel for the next few months I'll definitely be depending on the Lord more. I don't know what I would do without prayer. I feel like I've been lost lately in my life, living out of suitcases, moving around, and now I'm finally settled and THROWN into it! I'm super nervous for this next chapter in my life because I'm still unsure about some choices I am making. They're good choices but, are they the best choices? Is there a better choice for me out there? Am I wasting my time?

I guess all I can say and express now is that this an experience now that I just have to pray that everything will work towards my benefit. I hope this next experience in life will mold me and shape me. I don't know what to expect but through out life we don't know what to expect. All the Lord can ask from us is to be prepared as much as we know how.

Ground Yourself

I've got a problem. Two Words = JET. LAG.

I'm currently staying in Utah for the next couple weeks. I will be returning back to Hawaii on the 16th. Lately I've been really confused about my life and what the heck I am doing, mostly because I've been living out of a suitcase for over a month. As soon as I got off the plane here in Utah I immediately felt at home. "oh dear" I can't start feeling that way, I'll want to move here.. then all over the country for me again. Not that pattern again. Today however was one of the first times I started to miss Hawaii a little bit. I've been in Utah for about 3-4 days now. I miss the beach, I miss family and I'm looking forward to start my job when I get back and start meeting people from all over the world. I'm looking forward to grow my roots. I think Hawaii will be a great opportunity for me. My first couple days here I could tell this is what I've been missing in my life, independence, laughter, being forced to meet other people my age on my own. I sincerely miss that in my life and I realized that's why I've loved Utah. It will always have a special place in my heart.

There has been some other reasons I've been lost lately and that includes relationships, love, friendships, etc. The other night I had a conversation with a really good/old friend of mine. He reminded me once again who I am. He made me realize my losses in the past can be made overcome and not through my constant moving around that I've been doing for the last 6 months, but by simply depending on those around me, getting on my knees and praying, find something to ground yourself and get to enjoy yourself again. I guess I've been a little bitter and a little hurt from different relationships that I've had these past couple years. Some relationships could have ended better, but some happened for a reason and at the time that they needed to. If there's one lesson I've learned in my life that has been huge it's knowing that you can't change anyone. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love and care for someone, they have to change for themselves. It hurts to stand by and let someone disregard who they are but agency is a god given gift for each of us individually and we have to learn to accept that we can't or SHOULDN'T take that away from ANYONE!

One of my best friends is getting married this weekend. (The Blonde in the picture with me!) I'm THRILLED!!! It's amazing to talk to her and listen to her talk about an eternal progression in her life. I'm slightly envious but more so thrilled and excited for this next chapter in her life. The more friends I see get married, the more I desire it for myself. My envy is their happiness my goal is to have that same happiness someday.

Like one girl spoke in her testimony this weekend, there is a reason for everything and there is a reason that it happens when it does. The truth of the gospel and life is we are learning and progressing step by step individually. Sometimes that step is a quicker pace for another or slower for someone else, but in the end we are all reaching that same end result and if we have that in mind we will have a deeper understanding and respect for everyone around us.

I just need to keep in mind to always look up and never down at my feet. Don't be so hard on yourself if you trip, just lift your head up high again and dust yourself off. Like is about discoveries even if it's in a way we don't want to discover.